ACT II
Scene 3: Earth, a driveway in front of an old building at night.
Note: This scene is to be done in front of the lowered curtain.
The building is actually not visible, it's "offstage" A large, well-lit, but very old-looking decorative sign reads, "Oxfordshire Vicarage of the Anglican Order." A smaller sign, attached to it reads, "Planning Permission for Commercial Development." Above, the stars shine brightly.
Dan, a well-dressed gentleman in business clothes is standing hand in hand with Lucy, who is wearing a pinstriped power suit jacket and skirt. Nettie, a shapely blonde woman wearing high heels, a miniskirt, a midriff-baring Gap t-shirt, and a knitted waistcoat, is facing them. Dan is in the middle of talking to Nettie and Lucy is standing silently by, sizing Nettie up with a slight air of superiority.
Dan: (Gesturing with his free hand) So, what we're going to do, Nettie, is we're going to put the bathroom here, and the door over there.
Lucy looks at him, confused.
Nettie: (Anxiously) It's terrific, but...
Lucy: (Interrupts Nettie as though she didn't even exist and gestures in the opposite direction as Dan.) Dan, I thought the door was going to be over here and the bathroom over there.
Dan sighs.
Dan: That's what I meant, Lucy.
Nettie: (Anxiously) It's terrific, but I have to tell you something...
As Nettie is speaking, Nigel, wearing a very expensive suit, ENTERS, strutting like a peacock.
Nigel: (Interrupts Nettie as though she didn't even exist.) You can smell the centuries of vinous pleasure oozing from the very brickwork.
Lucy looks at him, annoyed at his stupid comment.
Lucy: Nigel, the place is only a hundred and fifty years old!
Nigel looks back in the direction of the rectory and, finding something interesting to see, EXITS again.
Dan: (To Nettie) It was built as a rectory.
Nettie: Mmmm, terrific. But look, Dan...
Dan: (Interrupting Nettie and overflowing with enthusiasm.) You're not kidding! We're going to have a restaurant on the right as you come in – not your nouvelle cuisine, but state-of-the-art Californian, and over on the left, we'll have a bar!
Lucy glares at Dan, but she doesn't say anything. Dan realizes his mistake and lightly smacks his forehead.
Dan : Oh, that's right, the restaurant's going to go on the left! (He calms down and speaks to Nettie again, who listens attentively and politely.) We'd started off with it on the right, but then changed it to the left... Then we changed it back to the right again.
Lucy: (Finally addressing Nettie directly) But the kitchen would be better on the other side, so we changed it back to the left again.
(Nettie looks around anxiously, sees Nigel approaching)
Nettie: (Anxiously) Terrific, but look...
(Nettie cuts herself off as Nigel ENTERS. He moves to Nettie and puts his arm around her.)
Nigel: Like what you see?
Dan: Mmmm...
Nigel: I mean the house.
(Dan scowls at his former business partner. He slides his arm up around Lucy.)
Dan: It's just what Lucy and I have always dreamed of, isn't it, Buttercup?
(Not wanting to speak her mind and also slightly embarrassed by being called Buttercup in public, Lucy shifts uncomfortably. Dan doesn't even notice and continues.)
Dan: We're going to call it the Watergate Hotel.
Nettie: Wouldn't that put off Republicans who still want to bug each other?
(Nigel chuckles condescendingly and pats Nettie's bottom.)
Nigel: Go and bring the car up, there's a good girl.
(Nettie EXITS. Lucy is aghast that Nettie would let Nigel treat her like that. She controls her temper and turns to Dan.)
Lucy: When are you going to sign the final release forms for the travel company, Dan?
(Nettie ENTERS, carrying a Minolta camera with no flash. She places the camera on top of the big sign, points it in the direction of the rectory and begins taking long-exposure pictures. Nobody else seems to notice.)
Dan: (Nervously) Oh... um... I'm not sure... I don't think Nigel's got them.
(Lucy is just about to explode in fury, but Nigel interrupts her.)
Nigel: The forms should be waiting for us back at the hotel.
(Lucy manages to bite down on her temper, but just barely. Nigel gives her a smirk.)
Nigel: (Very condescendingly) Don't worry, Lucy. After this week you won't have to worry about seeing me ever again. (Like an announcer) The Top Ten Travel Company has been officially sold!
(Dan smiles and nods)
Dan: Yes, and for quite a nice amount of money. I have to give you credit on that one, Nigel. But then, I guess you always were the brains of our business.
(Nettie glances at the group, she is desperately longing to tell Dan the truth, but decides to keep quiet for now. She returns her attention to the camera. Nigel sees her and looks exasperated, not able to believe his girlfriend could be stupid enough to use a camera at night.)
Nigel: What on Earth do you think you're doing, Bozo?
(Nigel strides over to her, smiling sadistically at the prospect of ridiculing Nettie.)
Nettie: (Holding perfectly still) Shhhh! I'm taking a photo of the house. Don't jog the camera.
Nigel: (Joyfully) I don't know whether you've noticed this, Einstein, but it's night.
Nettie: Right! I'm taking a photo called Dan and Lucy's Hotel Beneath The Stars. Maybe you'll frame it and hang it in the entrance hall?
Nigel: You can't take pictures at night unless you have a flash, dumbbell.
(Nigel leans against the sign. Nettie looks up at him, furious.)
Nettie: Hey! You've jogged it!
Nigel: Let's go, brainbox, I'll drive.
(Nettie picks the camera up, looks at Dan and shrugs.)
Nettie: I guess that was long enough.
Dan: Terrific.
(A ghostly roaring sound, like the ocean waves, becomes audible. A bright light comes on high overhead on the side of the stage opposite the rectory. They all look up at it and watch as it starts to slide toward the rectory.)
Dan: Jesus! Look at that!
Lucy: It's a falling star!
Nettie: Make a wish!
Nigel: Holy moly! Will you look at that!?
(Everything goes completely black... even the sign lights go out. The roaring sound intensifies and then the light reappears, very bright, on the rectory side of the stage... It's the Starship, descending to Earth.)
Dan: What the...!
Lucy: Oh my God! It looks like a giant knife!!!
Dan: It does look like a knife!!!
Nigel: It's going to crash into the rectory!
Dan: LOOK OUT!!!
(Nigel throws himself behind the sign. Dan and Lucy hit the deck. Nettie stands, looking as if hypnotized. The roaring noise dies down and is followed by a thundering crash. Pieces of the rectory go flying all over the place.)
Nettie: (Mesmerized) Terrific!
(There is silence, punctuated by the occasional thud of falling brickwork. The rectory sign lights back up again. Dan and Lucy get up and regard the spectacle, their mouths agape with surprise and terror.)
Dan: It... it...
Nettie: It's a spaceship!
Lucy: It has to be at least a mile high!
Dan: It just cut the house right in half!
(Nettie points upward and toward the ship/rectory.)
Nettie: Look! Something's coming down from it!
(The young blonde, still carrying her camera, slowly walks toward the rectory. Dan snaps awake and watches Nettie in terror.)
Dan: Nettie! Don't! Come back! Don't go near it!
(Lucy recovers herself and grabs Nettie's arm.)
Lucy: (Trying to pull Nettie back, but not successfully.) Nettie! We... we... we don't know what it is!
Nettie: (Still staring at the ship as if in a dream.) It's wonderful!
(Lucy stops pulling at Nettie and all three of them stand and look up at the lovely vessel. Dan sees something. (a pinpoint of light descending to Earth along the ship.))
Lucy: Hey, there's something else coming down now!
(All three follow the light. A brighter light now appears at ground level.)
Dan: (Nervously) There's something coming!
(Dan quivers nervously. Nettie takes a step forward, wanting to see who or what it is, Lucy resumes pulling on Nettie's arm. The Doorbot ENTERS, smiling genially at the three standing humans. Lucy gives a scream.)
Doorbot: (Politely) Good evening to you, unknown life forms. The proprietors of Starlight Travel, Inc. would like to apologize for any inconvenience you may have suffered due to the inadvertent emergency parking of their vehicle.
(Lucy screams loudly again. Dan puts his arm around her and tries to comfort her.)
Dan: It's all right, Lucy.
(Lucy screams again.)
Nettie: Shhh! It's talking to us!
Doorbot: (Nods) Quite. By way of an apology, may we offer you a free cruise on board our Starship?
Dan: Uh, perhaps another day...
(Lucy screams again.)
Nettie: (Gleefully) Yes! I'd love to!!
Doorbot: (Beckoning) Come with me, Madam.
(The robot turns back toward the ruined rectory. Nettie, grinning broadly, regards her companions.)
Nettie: Well, c'mon! What a hoot!
(Nettie follows the Doorbot. Dan, not wanting Nettie to get hurt, follows. Lucy, not wanting to be left alone, follows Dan. The Doorbot stops in his tracks, turns back and regards them.)
Doorbot: I must apologize right now for having to bring you in via the service elevator. Please, do not be alarmed. I can assure you that the Starship Titanic is the most luxurious, most technologically advanced Starship ever built.
(Dan has a sudden epiphany)
Dan: Hey! How come you speak English?
(The Doorbot give a polite metallic cough.)
Doorbot: I beg your pardon, sir, but I am not speaking... how do you say? ÔEeengleesh?' All robotic functions aboard the Starship are equipped with infra-violet translation sensors that scan passengers' brains for language patterns. These patterns are then re-arranged inside your heads so you can understand and speak intelligibly while on the ship. You are actually speaking and hearing Blerontinian. (He turns toward the audience.) Pretty convenient for writers of science fiction, eh?
(Dan looks a little confused, but says nothing. The robot gives a bow, gestures toward the rectory and the three Earthlings EXIT. The Doorbot turns and follows.)
Doorbot: (Still speaking to them) I apologize once again for having to bring you in through the service elevator. Normal boarding of the ship is done at Embarkation Level...
(The Doorbot EXITS. The ghostly roaring noise sounds again and the light rises into the sky again as the ship takes off. Nigel peeks out from behind the sign.)
Nigel: (Very nervously) Uh... Dan? Lucy? Nettie?
(Nigel stands up and walks to center stage. He looks in the direction of the rectory, then turns and faces the other way. He closes his eyes.)
Nigel: (Trying to reassure himself) It didn't happen. It didn't happen.
(Leovinus, now with only one eyebrow, which is coming lose from his forehead, slowly walks up behind Nigel. Nigel, not hearing him, takes a few deep breaths and relaxes. Leovinus taps Nigel on the shoulder. Nigel screams loudly and spins around. Horrified, he looks at Leovinus as the old man finally breaks down and starts bawling, holding Nigel for support. Nigel, of course, has no idea what to do.)
Nigel: Uh... sir? Sir?
(Leovinus continues weeping very loudly, letting in a few completely nonsensical words now and then. Nigel gets the idea that Leovinus has to be an escaped lunatic or something.)
Nigel: Uh... Right... Well, why don't you come with me?
(Still supporting Leovinus, Nigel heads away from the rectory. He takes out his cell phone, dials a number, and puts the phone to his ear.)
Nigel: (Into the phone) Hello? Is this the Oxford Police Station? Ah! Hello, Sergeant Stroud. Yes, I have someone here that I think you should meet...
(Nigel and Leovinus EXIT.)
End of Scene 3
The Curtain goes up to show the right side of the Embarkation Lobby and the darkened Starship Engine Room.
Scene 4: Starship Titanic Embarkation Lobby (Stage Right)
The room is a good deal tidier than before. The hole in the floor has been covered over and the sawhorses and danger signs have been removed. The Styrofoam cups are gone, and the loose wiring has been tucked conveniently away except for a few loose ends seen behind the pillars. The main hatch is closed and a red "no access" sign shines above it.
Nettie is standing in front of the desk and having a heated discussion with the Deskbot. A long black controller, looking like a TV remote, is in her hand. The Deskbot is looking casually around the room as though it were looking for something to do other than listen to this Super Galactic Class passenger. A large book, about as big as a phone book, is sitting on the desk.
The Doorbot is switched off and standing near the entrance to the Super Galactic Class doorway.
Nettie: (Speaking as though addressing a child) I think I've just about had enough of this nonsense. If you tell me one more time about how your maintenance robots spent their time cleaning everything up... You've told me that at least three times in the last five minutes!
First of all, you need to fix that service elevator of yours. It moves just a little too fast and I'm sure some people probably don't like blacking out on a simple elevator ride.
Second, I don't know too many people who, after having a blackout, appreciate being stripped naked and put in some strange room that they've never seen before. Even if the walls are painted pink. At least you were nice enough to tuck me into bed, though.
Oh, and I need to tell you that that Bellbot you assigned me is even more hormonal than Captain Kirk! Anyway, that Bellbot person said I have to come up here and talk to you to find out where my friends are.
So, here I am, and I want to see what rooms my friends are staying in. That shouldn't be too hard to handle.
Deskbot: (Arrogantly) Oh, yes, madam? And I distinctly remember telling you that you need to fill out our Standard Passenger Information Request Form.
Nettie: (Indicates the thick book on the desk) Is that what that thing is?
Deskbot: No, that's the travel magazine. If you put on your translator glasses I'm sure even you will be able to read it.
(Nettie puts on a pair of thick glasses (a la Garth from Wayne's World) as the deskbot reaches down and brings up a monstrous stack of paper at least three phone books thick. She drops it onto the desk.)
Deskbot: This is our Standard Passenger Information Request Form. All pages must be filled out before I can process your request.
(Nettie gapes at the paperwork as Dan and Lucy ENTER, also carrying similar remote controls. The Doorbot activates and regards the two newcomers with an air of disdain.)
Doorbot: This is the Starboard Embarkation Lobby. As Super Galactic Class passengers, you are allowed to pass through this lobby, but you may not use the seating accommodations or the bathroom. Super Galactic Traveler facilities are available on your own decks.
Dan: Look, we're not traveling. We just want to know how to get out of this thing.
(Nettie, hearing Dan's voice, turns and sees Dan and Lucy. She smiles and waves.)
Nettie: Hey! There you are! (She turns to the Deskbot and becomes very nasty) Listen, Bulbbrain, you can fill out your own request forms in... in triplicate... and shove Ôem up your lampshade!
(Nettie joins Lucy and Dan.)
Doorbot: (Confused) Get off this thing?
Dan: Yeah, we want to get out – like the quickest way.
(Nettie is surprised at Dan's wish to leave the ship.)
Nettie: Oh! Don't you just want to look around a bit?
(Dan is surprised by Nettie's desire to stay.)
Dan: Look around a bit? Aren't you scared?
Nettie: Well, a bit... but it's so exciting! (She looks at the Doorbot and smiles) And these things seem harmless enough.
(Nettie gives the Doorbot a chuck under the chin. The Doorbot sniffs and pretends to flick a piece of fluff off his sleeve.)
Lucy: (Still not too sure) It's amazing, isn't it?
Nettie: Sensational!
Dan: (Attempting to reassert control) But we've gotta be sensible. We ought to find the exit, so we know where we are and then, maybe, we could explore a bit if you really want.
Doorbot: (Condescendingly) I'm afraid you can't.
Lucy: (Defensively) Can't what?
Doorbot: I'm afraid you can't leave the ship. Now, if you wouldn't mind hurrying through to your own decks.
Dan: Wait a minute! What do you mean "we can't leave the ship?"
Nettie: (Faintly thrilled) Are we prisoners?
Doorbot: No, Madam or thing, of course you are not prisoners. It is simply a physical impossibility for you to leave the ship at this moment in time because the Starship is in flight. (Nettie and the others look at each other. The Doorbot points out the SG doorway) I suggest you all go down to the Super Galactic Traveler Class Restaurant where you will encounter plain home cooking with a great doorway.
(Nettie starts breathing quickly and starts stretching and attempting to release stress by doing some aerobic movements. Dan and Lucy decide to release stress in a more destructive manner... by shouting at Nettie.)
Dan: You see what you've done! Oh my God! We're in space! It's all your fault!
Lucy: I knew it! I knew we shouldn't have followed that dumb peroxide airhead!
Doorbot: Please refrain from shouting on the Embarkation Level. There may be First or Second Class passengers about. You may shout as much as you want on the Super Galactic Traveler Class decks. (He points toward the SGT exit again.)
Nettie: (Holding up her hands.) Hey, hey, guys! Calm down!
Dan: Why should we calm down!? You've just destroyed our future home! You've forced us onto an alien spacecraft and now we're not even on Earth anymore! God knows how we'll ever get back!
(Lucy is looking around and breathing quickly as though panic stricken.)
Nettie: (Sternly) Please! I didn't destroy your future home!
Dan: (Realizing he went a little too far) No, no, I know. I'm sorry. I just got carried away. I don't know why I said that. (He takes a breath and starts acting rationally again.) And if we really are in the situation this robot tells us we're in, we'd better keep our heads and decide how to get out of it.
(Lucy screams.)
Doorbot: Please scream on the Super Galactic Traveler Class decks only!
Dan: What can we do!?
Nettie: (Firmly) I suggest we find the Captain, there has to be one, explain our situation, and ask him to take us home.
(Dan still seems to think that Nettie's not so bright)
Dan: (Sarcastically) Oh, fine! Yes! Fine! Find the Captain! Why didn't I think of that!? Brilliant idea! (He suddenly realizes that might be the thing to do.) Actually that is a pretty good idea!
(Lucy screams again. The Doorbot is nervously looking around as though trying to make sure other passengers aren't being disturbed.)
Dan: (To Lucy) SHUT UP!
(Lucy has never been shouted at by Dan before. She's so surprised that she shuts up. Nettie turns to the Doorbot.)
Nettie: Where can we find the Captain?
Doorbot: (Very condescendingly) The Captain, madam or thing, is to be found on the Captain's Bridge.
Nettie: And how do we find that?
Doorbot: You don't. The Captain's Bridge is only accessible from the First Class area.
Nettie: But surely we can go through just to get to the Bridge.
Doorbot: I'm afraid not. All traveling area restrictions are strictly observed on this vessel.
Dan: (Angrily) Oh, come off it! This is an emergency!
(Nettie put on her translator glasses and reads the signs, she points to the First Class sign.)
Nettie: Over there!
(Dan walks toward the First Class entrance way.)
Doorbot: Sir will find the door force-shielded.
(Dan walks into the doorway, there is an electronic crackle and the travel agent stumbles backward, feeling as if zapped with current.)
Dan: Wow, that thing's got a kick!
Doorbot: If you do not return to your own quarters, I shall be forced to call the ship's security officers. They have vicious rabbits.
Nettie is thinking very hard about the situation as Dan returns to the group.
Nettie: There must be another way of doing this.
Lucy stops panicking and Dan, finally calm, knows exactly what has to be done.
Dan: Okay! Let me handle this, after all travel is – or was – my business. What we have here is the commonest problem known to travelers the world over: How do we get a free upgrade?
The Doorbot stops gesturing and pretends to be disinterested. Dan takes this as a sign.
Dan: Ha! If you don't tell us how to get a free upgrade immediately, I'll report you to the Travel Association!
Doorbot: (Radiating contempt) I cannot help you there, sir. You will have to inquire with the Deskbot.
(Dan immediately heads over to the reception desk.)
Nettie: Huh! That thing's about as helpful as a strapless ball gown under G force!
Dan: (To the Deskbot) Look, we have been mis-assigned our accommodations. (Points at Nettie) This, as I expect you recognize, is Gloria Stanley, the actress.
(Nettie immediately catches on and strikes a sultry pose for the Deskbot.)
Dan: I'm her manager and (points to Lucy) this young lady is her lawyer. We should have been given First Class tickets, but our travel agent screwed up the booking. Can you reassign us immediately?
(The Deskbot sizes Dan up, Dan shifts uncomfortably, but keeps his composure.)
Deskbot: And which travel agency would that be?
Dan: Top Ten Travel.
(The Deskbot blinks several times, her head turns quickly left and right as though it were reading something quickly. A ping noise sounds.)
Deskbot: I have no record of such an agency in the Galaxy.
Dan: (Incensed) I can assure you that it does exist!
Lucy: (To herself) Well, it did up until this morning. (She straightens up and approaches the Deskbot.) Look, we must get an upgrade to First!
Deskbot: Oh yes, madam? And to whose account should this upgrade be charged?
Lucy: My law firm: Mayem, Bader, and Lizt.
Deskbot: We have no record of such a company.
Lucy: (Indignantly) You didn't even check your database!
(Again, the Deskbot blinks several times, her head turns left and right as if reading, and another ping noise sounds.)
Deskbot: I can only upgrade you if you pay the difference in advance.
Dan: How much is that?
Deskbot: Seventy million pistres or two pnedes. Currency is not accepted and you may only pay with a Galactic Gold Credit Card.
Dan: Look, I don't think you appreciate who Gloria Stanley is...
Deskbot: I don't give a stuff who Gloria Stanley is! I can only upgrade you is you pay in advance with a Galactic Gold Card.
Nettie: (Resigned) Oh, let it go.
Lucy: (Conciliatory) Look, there must be some way you cold organize an upgrade for us. We're valuable customers.
(The Deskbot now reads something hidden behind the desk.)
Deskbot: Super Galactic Traveler Class... Complimentary! You're on free tickets?!
Dan: Exactly! We're valued customers! Celebrities!
(The Deskbot shakes her shade.)
Deskbot: I'm sorry, there's absolutely nothing I can do. You simply cannot upgrade to First Class from Super Galactic Traveler Class, let alone on a complimentary ticket. Perhaps if you were Second Class I could do something.
(Nettie edges up to the desk.)
Nettie: Look, we don't care what class we travel...
Dan: I do!
Lucy: So do I!
(Nettie ignores them)
Nettie: All we want to do is talk to the Captain. Can you put us through to him?
Deskbot: It is against company policy to allow Super Galactic Class Travelers - especially complimentary ones – access to any of the senior officers.
(Nettie becomes exasperated.)
Nettie: (To Lucy and Dan) God! I can't stand this! There must be some way of getting through to the Captain.
(Dan, now simply desiring a free upgrade, turns back to the Deskbot.)
Dan: How can we get re-assigned to Second Class? That surely can't be too much to ask?
(The Deskbot looks at the ceiling.)
Lucy: That's a pretty shade you're wearing.
Deskbot: It's just the company colors.
Lucy: But it suits you.
(Dan rolls his eyes and tries to regain control.)
Dan: Look...
Deskbot: (Interrupting Dan) Have you received your copies of the Travel Magazine?
(Dan and Lucy look at each other, surprised. They shake their heads.)
Dan: Uh, no.
(The Deskbot heaves two more copies of the telephone book-sized Travel Mag onto the desk.)
Deskbot: You will find upgrade vouchers in here. Now please, I have better things to do.
(The three grab their Travel Mags and shuffle over to the coffee table and start paging through them furiously.)
Dan: Vouchers! Isn't that the travel industry all over? Why do they never tell you these things in the first place?
(Nettie pages through the book very quickly. She finds her voucher, tears it out, and walks back over to the desk. She presents the voucher to the Deskbot. The Deskbot grabs Nettie's Personal Electronic Thingy, sticks it into something behind the desk. There is some kind of loud machine noise, followed by a ping sound. The Deskbot removes another controller, this one bright and silvery, and hands it to Nettie.)
Nettie: The Engine Room is aft, I suppose?
Deskbot: (Nods) At the end of the Grand Axial Canal, Second Class through which you are entitled to pass. Here is another voucher entitling you to a free glass of moonswill at the bar. (Hands another ticket to Nettie.)
Nettie: Thanks. (Turns to Lucy and Dan who are still looking through their magazines.) You guys get your upgrades. I have an idea.
(Nettie EXITS through Second Class. Dan looks after her, then looks at Lucy.)
Dan: What's Nettie's plan?
Lucy: (Still paging through her magazine.) She said something about the Engine Room. (Sarcastically) What's she gonna do, Tell the engineer to back up?
Dan: (Return to paging through his book.) Well, maybe she knows about engines.
Lucy: (Still sarcastic) Nettie!? Oh, sure! (She sees something in the book!) Found it! Oh, wait... no, that's not it...
Dan: Well, you know, for one of Nigel's bimbos that Nettie's pretty bright.
Lucy: (Sarcastic again) Oh, I didn't realize you were interested in her mind.
Dan: (Surprised at the implied accusation) What's that supposed to mean? She's a nice girl!
Lucy: You ought to know. You've been ogling her ever since we all had dinner together. My, God that feels like a lifetime ago!
Dan: I wasn't ogling her!
Lucy: Anyway, if Nettie's so bright, why does she let Nigel treat her like a... a... a Barbie doll!?
Dan: Does she?
Lucy: That sort of woman makes me sick! Why doesn't she stand up for herself?
Dan: Well, she still may be quite bright.
Lucy: (Coldly) There is absolutely no correlation between size of brain and size of breasts.
(Dan has found his voucher. He tears the page out of the book.)
Dan: HA!
(He heads up to the desk. As he goes, Lucy finds her voucher and rips it out. She joins Dan at the desk. The Deskbot switches back on, takes the vouchers and their PETs and furnishes them with copies of the equipment given to Nettie. Lucy shivers a little.)
Lucy: Do you think it's getting colder?
(Dan pockets his new PET and his moonswill ticket and looks at Lucy.)
Dan: Anyway, I was not ogling Nettie.
END OF SCENE 4
Scene 5: Engine Room (Stage Left)
There are computer consoles and various signs around the place. In the middle of the room is a glowing piece of equipment. A long cable stretches from it and toward backstage. The backstage is VERY dark. (As close to pitch black as possible) A ladder stands against one wall and a sign next to it points upward, reading "Control Room"
The MegaScuttler, a big silvery egg-shaped bomb with two buttons on it and carrying a cell phone, is standing silently next to the wall across from the ladder. There is a faint sound coming from the total blackness that is very reminiscent of the seashore sound the ship made when it first landed.
(Nettie ENTERS, looks around, and walks up to the bomb. She puts on her translator glasses and reads the buttons.)
Nettie: Hmmm... "Bomb Monitor" and... "Press to arm!?" (She turns fearful) This is a bomb!?
(Nettie, her hand trembling slightly, presses the "bomb monitor" button.)
Bomb: (In a proud announcer's voice) Thank you for inquiring about the status of the MegaScuttler Company's 8D-96 Full Force MegaScuttler – A Bomb To Be Proud Of – which has been installed aboard this Starship for your convenience. It is my pleasure to inform you that the MegaScuttler is currently not activated. Thank you for showing an interest in bombs.
(The bomb falls silent again. Nettie gives a sigh of relief)
Nettie: Bit of a relief there. Now, where's the intercom in here?
(Nettie steps toward the doorway. She stops and looks in.)
Nettie: What is that? (Edges closer) It's so dark in there. It's like... like looking into a black hole or something... (She then turns and reads the control room sign) Maybe there's a light switch up there.
(Nettie strides toward the ladder, passing in front of the center of the darkness, and suddenly feels herself being drawn into it. She tries fighting it, but can't correct her steps. She finds herself heading further backstage. Eventually, she tries running back to the forestage, but the effect is like fighting an invisible ocean wave.)
Nettie: (Absolutely horrified) OH MY GOD!!! What's happening to me!!!
(She furiously tries to fight the iron grip of the gravity well, but to no avail. She screams as the black hole sucks her in, the sound of her scream fades away into the distance.) - END OF SCENE 5
Scene 6: The Embarkation Lobby (Stage Right)
Dan and Lucy are standing before the reception desk, arguing with the Deskbot. They've been spending time trying to get upgraded to First Class for some time. Lucy is hugging herself, feeling the cold that seems to be descending upon the room. The Doorbot is standing nearby.
Deskbot: You have no credit card. You're not members of the Sixty Million Miles Club. You're not even registered frequent travelers! This whole conversation is pointless. You'll find the Second Class facilities aboard this Starship to be more than adequate for your requirements.
Lucy: Dan, we're wasting our breath. In fact, is it my imagination or is it getting harder to breathe?
(Dan sniffs the air.)
Dan: (Worried) You're right! It's getting cold in here too! Jesus!
Doorbot: The air and heating are at normal levels.
Lucy: That's bullshit! It's getting colder and more difficult to breathe!
Doorbot: I can assure you that the air supply and temperature are set to maximum for Super Galactic Traveler Class comfort.
Dan: (Shocked) Are you trying to tell us there are different levels of air supply for the different classes of traveler!?
Doorbot: Not normally, sir, no. But should the ship be traveling without First or Second Class passengers, naturally the air and heating will, naturally, be lowered to the comfort requirements of Super Galactic Traveler Class passengers.
Lucy: (Horrified) Jesus! You guys are the most cynical bunch I've ever come across!
Dan: (Angry and panicking) I'm going straight to the Travel Association when I get home! There isn't enough air to breathe!
Doorbot: There is ample air and heat for the Super Galactic Traveler Class decks, sir, but unfortunately it is getting dispersed over the whole ship.
(Lucy is now beating on the desk in a panic.)
Deskbot: I'm sorry, madam, but it is against company policy to supply First and Second Class air and heat only if there are First or Second Class passengers on board.
Lucy: But we're Second Class passengers!
Deskbot: I have no record of any Second Class passengers on board.
Lucy: You just gave us an upgrade! We had vouchers!
Deskbot: Oh, I'm afraid vouchers aren't processed until the end of the month. Thank you for your inquiry.
(The Deskbot switches off. Dan takes a labored breath and is trying to become decisive.)
Dan: All right... all right... Go and get Nettie while I try to sort this mess out.
Lucy: But if I go and get Nettie, that won't be sticking together.
Dan: All right, I'll go and get her.
Lucy: That's the same thing! Anyway, why are you so worried about Nettie?
Dan: I'm not! I just think we all ought to keep together in case one of us needs help.
Lucy: (Agitated) Like what sort of help do we give if we're all running out of air and freezing to death!?
Dan: (Desperate) All right, don't go and look for Nettie, but what are we going to do!?
(Lucy, preferring Dan looking forlorn to being decisive, smiles.)
Lucy: I'll see if I can find us a supply of oxygen. You stay here and try to get us up to First Class.
Dan: (Whining) But that's still not sticking together.
Lucy: I never said we should stick together. That was your idea, remember?
(Lucy gives Dan a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.)
Lucy: Cheer up, Second Class Traveler. I'm sure we're going to be all right. I'll go and get us some oxygen.
(Lucy EXITS toward Second Class, Dan watches her, looking more forlorn than ever.) - END OF SCENE 6
Scene 7: Medical Center (Stage Left)
The room looks very obviously like a high-tech hospital. In the center of the room is a large examination bed/gurney with tie straps on it. Against one wall is a cabinet labeled "Oxygen Cylinders"
On the floor, in front of the surgical bed, The Journalist is crouching over the dead body of Scraliontis and going through the accountant's pockets with his left hand. The Journalist's shirt has a large bloodstain on the left side and The Journalist has his right hand on the wound. He is obviously in pain but is more concerned with searching the dead man than with helping himself.
Lucy: (Offstage. Cheerfully) I knew it! I knew this place had a medical center! God, it's so great not to be a busty bimbo...
Lucy ENTERS, feeling very pleased with herself and sees The Journalist. The Journalist looks up at her, a grim look on his face. Lucy stands frozen for a moment, this is her first time seeing an alien. Lucy screams and tries to run but The Journalist pounces on her like a cat and puts her into a sleeper hold.
The Journalist: (Strained) Don't struggle! I can break your neck!
Lucy tries to fight, then falls into a faint. The Journalist looks at the medical bed, then drags her over to it. He lays her down on the cot and straps her down so she can't move. The Journalist then resumes rifling through the dead man's pockets.
Moments later, Lucy regains consciousness and realizes she's tied down and unable to free herself. She looks at The Journalist and watches him, thinking he's some kind of serial killer. The Journalist looks up at her again and Lucy goes into a panic. Finally, she screams again.
The Journalist: Shut up!
(She shuts up for a moment, her face frozen in abject terror.)
Lucy: (To herself) Oh my God! The murderer's speaking to me! It's just like those movies when the heroine suddenly finds herself attracted to the psycho killer-rapist! (She suddenly stops herself) What am I thinking about!?
(Lucy screams again. The Journalist gets up, looks into Lucy's eyes for a moment, and then puts his hand over her mouth.)
The Journalist: Listen! There's a bomb on board this ship! It's going to explode and take us with it unless I can find it quick! So just shut up with the screaming! I can't think and it makes me crazy!
(The Journalist lets her go and turns back toward Scraliontis. Lucy screams again. The Journalist wheels around.)
The Journalist: Didn't you hear what I said!? There is a bomb! I have to find the bomb!
(Lucy stops screaming and eventually manages to calm down.)
Lucy: (Still hyperventilating, but slowly coming back to calm) Well... A bomb? Well... that's definitely not good news.
The Journalist: (Still searching the body.) Suffering supernovae! I've never seen so many pockets!
Lucy: (Trying to see what The Journalist is doing.) Why are you doing that?
The Journalist: I'm looking to see if he's got anything that shows where the bomb is.
Lucy: Why should he have?
The Journalist: Stop asking questions!
Lucy: I just asked why?
The Journalist: Because he planted the bomb.
Lucy: Oh. Thank you. (She looks at the ceiling, completely confused with herself) Why am I being polite to someone who's just about to kill me? Maybe even rape me first! Or maybe he isn't. (She looks back at The Journalist.) Is that why you killed him?
The Journalist: I didn't kill him!
(Lucy gasps in surprise.)
Lucy: Oh! (Pause. Lucy now tries to talk intelligently with the man,) Hey, you're an alien, aren't you?
(The Journalist can't believe she just said that. He looks at her.)
The Journalist: No. You're the alien. This is a Blerontinian starship.
Lucy: Ah, point taken.
(The Journalist finds what he's looking for.)
The Journalist: Aha!
(He takes a paper from Scraliontis's suit coat, reads it, then struggles to his feet and heads for the door. Lucy goes from being nervous to being indignant very quickly.)
Lucy: Hey! Hey! You can't leave me here!
The Journalist: I can't waste time, it might go off any second!
Lucy: (Screaming desperately) DON'T LEAVE ME TIED UP IN HERE WITH A DEAD BODY!!!
(The Journalist looks at her and sighs.)
The Journalist: Pangalin!
(He limps over and unstraps Lucy. She sits up and The Journalist groans with the pain of his wound. He finds it difficult to straighten up again.)
Lucy: (Concerned) Oh! You're hurt!
(The Journalist stumbles back and falls to the floor, clutching his blood-stained side. Lucy gets off the bed and goes to him. She leans close to the injured man and he tries to push her away.)
The Journalist: Leave me alone!
Lucy: Let me look at it. (She pulls up his shirt and looks at the injury. She recoils slightly.) Oh, it's nasty! What happened?
The Journalist: (Points at the body) That bastard, Scraliontis, stabbed me with a table lamp.
Lucy: (Stifling a giggle) How can you stab someone with a...?
The Journalist: (Interrupting, annoyed) It had a sharp end!
(Lucy pulls a piece of glass out from the Journalist's side. The man gives a yell, but feels much better a moment later.)
The Journalist: Thanks, I didn't see it.
(He pulls something out of his pocket and sticks it onto the wound. Lucy helps him adjust it so that it stays. The Journalist takes a few deep breaths.)
The Journalist: Let's get going.
(With Lucy's help, The Journalist regains his feet, and they EXIT.) - END OF SCENE – 7.
Scene 8: The Engine Room (Stage Left)
The room is arranged exactly as before.
(Lucy and The Journalist ENTER.)
Lucy: So, what's your name?
The Journalist: The Journalist.
Lucy: (surprised) That's not a name, that's a job description!
The Journalist: It's an ancient law on our planet. News reporters aren't allowed to have individual names.
Lucy: I can't call you "The Journalist"
The Journalist: (Shrugs) Then just call me "The." (Looks at the bomb) Now, let's see here.
The Journalist studies the bomb for a moment as Lucy puts on her translator glasses. To the woman's horror, The Journalist presses the "arm" button. The bomb suddenly comes active, beginning to walk around the room and waving its arms.)
Bomb: (Like an announcer) You have just activated the 8D-96 Full Force MegaScuttler – A Bomb To Be Proud Of – created especially for you by the MegaScuttler company of the planet Dormillion.
(At this point The Journalist starts literally beating himself up in anger... think Chris Farley here...)
Bomb: This will be a fairly big explosion, so please stand well back... about twenty-two thousand miles. Countdown to detonation commencing: 1,000... 999... 998... 997... (The bomb continues counting)
(Lucy can't believe what she just saw.)
Lucy: Why the hell did you press the button that said "Press to Arm!?"
(The Journalist stops hitting himself and turns to Lucy)
The Journalist: (Exasperated) I didn't know it was a Dormillion bomb!
Lucy: Well, what's the difference!? A bomb's a bomb!
The Journalist: I can't explain right now.
Lucy: (Demanding) I need to know!
The Journalist: No you don't!
(Lucy, beside herself, grabs the Journalist's shoulders and start shaking him.)
Lucy: Look, you stupid jerk, you've just dome something really idiotic and I have a right to know why!!
(The Journalist calms down.)
The Journalist: All right! It's just that the Dormillion for "Press to arm" is very similar to the Blerontinian for "Please press dog." (Shrugs) It was just a simple mis-translation... I was wondering what the dog had to do with it...
Lucy: Great! So now we really are up shit creek without a bucket! (She starts panicking) What are we going to do!!?
The Journalist: We're going to keep calm.
Lucy: (Sarcastically) Good thinking, "The!" You clearly have a mind the size of Arnold Schwarzenegger's Humeral Ligament! We're running out of oxygen, the temperature's rapidly becoming suitable for an Arctic winter on Pluto, you've just activated an otherwise-harmless bomb, and now you have the nerve to tell me to stay calm!
(Lucy, replaying all of this in her head, starts hyperventilating... a scream is fast approaching.)
The Journalist: (Looks at her questioningly) Who's Arnold Schwarzenegger?
(Lucy screams. The Journalist suddenly screams at Lucy. Lucy stops screaming out of surprise. She looks at The Journalist.)
The Journalist: I'm sorry. I just can't think when you do that.
Lucy: (Feeling very stupid) I'm sorry too.
(Lucy looks away, ashamed. The Journalist smiles, walks over to her and gives her a light kiss on the cheek. She turns toward him, surprised but unable to move or speak. The Journalist checks the bomb's counting against his watch.)
The Journalist: Now, the clock is counting once every innim. That gives us about sixteen edoes before it gets to zero.
(Lucy tries to whisper "How long's an Innim?" But can't seem to get to speak. She continues to stare at The Journalist as if hypnotized. The Journalist turns back toward Lucy.)
The Journalist: What we must do is find the lifeboats! Come on!
(Lucy and The Journalist, EXIT.)
- END OF SCENE 8
Scene 9: The Embarkation Lobby (Stage Right)
Note: The Engine Room should stay lit at this point
(Dan, now quite visibly struggling with his breathing (panting and gasping), is on his knees in front of the desk He's speaking to the Deskbot, but his words are sounding as though he's delirious. The Deskbot pretends to be studying the ceiling and is tapping her fingers on the desk.)
Dan: If you want me to go the press and blow this whole thing up, I'm quite happy to do so...
(Dan stops to try to catch his breath as Lucy and The Journalist ENTER. Dan sees The Journalist and, becomes indignant, despite being short of breath. They collapse on the floor next to Dan, panting)
Dan : Who's this?
The Journalist: (Gasping) Bomb!
Dan: You're a bomb?
Lucy: No! The, this is Dan. Dan, this is The.
The Journalist: There's a bomb on board. It's about to go off! We've got to get to the lifeboats!
Lucy: They're in First Class, naturally!
Dan: (Angrily struggling to his feet and grabbing hold of the desk.) Now, that is outrageous! If I tell the Travel Association that, they'll blacklist your whole fleet forever! Do you hear me!? I'll close this whole damn company down!
(Abandoning all pretense to courtesy, The Journalist staggers to his feet, reaches over the desk and grabs the Deskbot. He starts shaking her.)
The Journalist: Listen, you Dumbbot! (Starts strangling the robot) This is a matter of life and death! There's a bomb about to go off in... (Checks his watch) in ten edoes! Pangalin!
Dan: How long's that?
(The sound of crackling electricity emanates from the Deskbot. All the lights go out in both sets.)
Everyone: HEY!!
IN THE ENGINE ROOM:
(There is a very loud thud as Nettie falls out of the pitch blackness at the far end of the chamber.)
(The lights come back on in both sets.)
(Nettie struggles to her feet, but looking as though she'd been spinning around for years, staggers around the room, looks at the bomb (which is now walking around the room), and then EXITS, still stumbling. After circling the room once more, The Bomb EXITS.)
The Engine Room is now darkened (for a scene change)
IN THE EMBARKATION LOBBY:
(The Journalist is still strangling the Deskbot.)
Deskbot: (Choking) I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do unless you have a Galactic Gold Credit Card.
The Journalist: Pangalin!
Deskbot: Please mind your language.
Lucy: Don't you have a credit card, The?
The Journalist: Not a Galactic Gold!
Dan: (Indignant) Who is this?
The Journalist: You've got to earn over seven pnedes a week to get one of those beauties!
Lucy: (Choking) It's getting really hard to breathe!
(Dan tries to go to her, but finds his hand is frozen to the desk)
Dan: (Choking) My hand! It's frozen! You call that Supergalactic Class comfort!?
Deskbot: (Choking) Take your hands off me! You'll short me again!
The Journalist: (Choking) Get us into First Class NOW or I'll smash your lampshade!
(Nettie, crawling on the floor, ENTERS, staggers to her feet and, still feeling extremely dizzy for many reasons, staggers toward the desk, stumbling a good deal. Nobody notices her.)
Deskbot: Help! Security!
The Journalist: May you rot in Pangalin!
(Nettie arrives at the desk, drops her PET onto the desk.)
Nettie: (Deliriously) Upgrade... all of us!
(Nettie collapses on the floor unconscious. The Journalist stops strangling the Deskbot, who picks up Nettie's PET. Her expression brightens immediately as she examines it.)
Deskbot: Six Hundred Million light years of Space Miles!!! Absolutely, madam! Allow me to welcome you to the First Class facilities of the Starship Titanic! You will find them without equal anywhere in the Galaxy! Please go through and have a pleasant trip!
(From behind the desk, The Deskbot produces four PETs made in a fine wood finish and places them on the desk. There is a loud hiss of air returning to the ship and the lights brighten slightly.)
The lights on stage left come up, revealing the Lifeboat Bay
(Dan pulls his hand off the desk, goes to Nettie, and tries to wake her up. Nettie remains unconscious.)
Dan: Nettie! Nettie! What happened to you!?
(The Journalist looks at his watch and panics.)
The Journalist: Less than eight edoes to go!
(The Journalist EXITS, sprinting into the First Class section. Lucy follows.)
Lucy: C'mon, Dan!
(Lucy EXITS)
Dan: (Calling after Lucy) What about Nettie!? We can't just leave her here!
(Dan cradles Nettie in his arms)
Dan: (Quietly, to Nettie) I can't leave you, Nettie.
IN THE LIFEBOAT BAY.
The Lifeboat Bay is brightly-lit and contains a tall cradle-like stand (large enough for two people to lay down behind). Clearly, something belongs in the cradle, but it's not there. In the background is the starlit vista of deep space.
(The Journalist arrives, sees the empty cradle, and becomes very forlorn.)
The Journalist: (Shouting sarcastically at the ceiling) Well, what's the point of providing lifeboats if there aren't going to be any passengers? Right, Scraliontis!?
(He staggers behind the cradle and falls to his knees, resigned to die.)
(Lucy ENTERS and sees the empty cradle. She starts hyperventilating again... partly because of fear, but also because she's just fallen in lust with the Journalist.)
The Journalist: The bastards! (Forlornly) We're done for! We'll be blown to little bits of drifting cosmos in exactly six edoes, forty-five innims!
(Lucy has just made the most life-altering decision of her life)
Lucy: Oh God! I LOVE YOU!!
(She throws herself at The Journalist and starts kissing him desperately.)
The Journalist: Ouch! Mind my wound!
Lucy: I'm sorry, I'm sorry! But we've only got six edoes left, whatever they are! I've never felt like this for anyone... The moment I set eyes on you... Oh, God! No one's ever going to know! Nothing matters anymore! But hurry, do something!
(The Journalist starts kissing Lucy back. He pulls her down behind the lifeboat cradle.)
IN THE EMBARKATION LOBBY...
(Dan is still cradling Nettie. Her eyelids flutter open.)
Nettie: (In a croaking voice) Oh, my God! There's only five minutes before the bomb goes off!
Dan: Five minutes? This is usually where, in a cheap novel, the couple confronted with imminent oblivion suddenly makes passionate love!
(Nettie is becoming weak again. She can barely move.)
Nettie: It's coming up here! You've got to talk to it!
Dan: What?
Nettie: I can't explain! Just believe me! It's coming up here! Speak to the bomb!
IN THE LIFEBOAT BAY...
(Lucy and The Journalist quickly hang their clothes over the edge of the launch cradle. The Journalist (hidden from view) has mounted Lucy and they proceed to have sex (though not visibly)
The Journalist: We've only got three edoes left! This is incredible! We don't do it like this on Blerontin!
Lucy: Why not!?
The Journalist: It's illegal! We're only allowed Snork Style... Y'know, upside down and from above.
Lucy: Oh shut up! I had to tell you! I had to! I love you! I've always loved you! That's what's been missing! Ah! Ah!
The Journalist: Quick!
Lucy: Yes! Yes!
At this point, both scenes are happening at once...
(The Bomb ENTERS from Second Class, counting down (starting at about 60) and walking slowly around the coffee table. Dan lets go of the unconscious Nettie, stands up and follows the Bomb.)
Bomb: (Counting...)
Lucy: Life is so short!
Bomb: (Still counting...)
Dan: (Not quite sure how to address a bomb) Er... Hello?
Bomb: The bomb counts two more numbers, then adds in a friendly "Hello!" and continues counting.
(Lucy and The Journalist are approaching the point of climax.)
Lucy: How much time!?
The Journalist: Thirty innims!
Lucy: Is that all!?
Dan: (Addressing the Bomb) Uh, any chance of you not exploding?
Bomb: Same as before, but it says a friendly "No!" and continues counting. (It should be at about 10 by now.)
The Journalist: Yes! Yes!
Lucy: (Orgasmic) I love yooooou!
The Journalist: Oooooohhhh!
Dan: Uh, look. Are you really sure you want to do this, isn't it a bit... self-destructive?
(The bomb stops in its tracks, turns, and faces Dan.)
Bomb: (Irritated) Look, I'm just a simple counting and exploding device and I'm not equipped for philosophical discourse. Please do not speak to me when I'm counting. Damn, now you've made me lose my place, you see? (Takes a deep breath) Recommencing countdown! 1,000, 999, 998...
(The Bomb EXITS toward First Class, continuing to count down.)
(The Journalist, with a wide grin on his face, peeks his head out from behind the lifeboat cradle and looks around. Lucy soon joins him and looks around in bewilderment.)
Lucy: What happened?
The Journalist: I don't know... I don't know.
(Lucy looks at The Journalist who looks back at her. Lucy looks away, embarrassed that she didn't get blown up. She quickly grabs her clothes and hurriedly puts them back on. The Journalist slowly puts his back on, all while eyeing Lucy curiously.)
The Journalist: You do things very differently on your world!
Lucy: (Defensively) Oh?
The Journalist: Yes. On Blerontin, we have all these absurd rituals we have to go through before having sex. There's a thing called "dating" where a young couple goes out for evenings together without necessarily "going the whole way" as we say. Then there's this thing called "the engagement" where rings are exchanged. Finally, there's an elaborate ceremony called a "wedding" with a cake and "bridesmaids" and the "best man's speech" – not to mention the "honeymoon!" You wouldn't believe the rigmarole we have to go through in order to make love to each other. I like your Earth way of doing things much better!
(Lucy is now even more embarrassed and can't even look at The Journalist.)
Lucy: Uh, the bomb might still go off any second!
The Journalist: The bomb? Oh, Pangalin! I'd forgotten!
(Lucy looks off stage and sees the Bomb approaching.)
Lucy: Oh my God!
(The Bomb ENTERS and starts walking around the room, its countdown starting at 864.)
The Bomb: ...864...863...
Lucy: (wondering) Why's it only got down to 863?
The Journalist: (Looking only at Lucy and falling in love) You're beautiful!
(The Journalist grabs Lucy from behind and starts nuzzling her neck.)
The Journalist: Ohh! Lucy! I can't stop thinking about you!
(Lucy tries disengages herself from the alien)
Lucy: Please, The! We haven't got time for that now...
The Journalist: You started it. Once we're roused, us Blerontinian males tend to be very single-minded.
Lucy: I've met your type before.
IN THE EMBARKATION LOBBY...
(Dan is pacing around the room.)
Dan: Well, I'd better go and see if Lucy's still around.
(Dan EXITS to First Class.)
IN THE LIFEBOAT BAY...
(The Journalist is still fondling Lucy and kissing her neck. Lucy is trying to push herself away, though only half-heartedly.)
The Journalist: Oh, just put your hands on my thing again!
Lucy: Stop it!
Bomb: (Stops in its tracks and turns to face them.) What? Oh damn! I thought you were talking to me! Recommencing countdown! 1,000, 999, 998... (etc.)
Lucy: It lost count!
The Journalist: (Ignoring the bomb completely and taking Lucy's hand and pulling it to his crotch.) You have the most wonderful skin! Please put your hand here... Let's do it again!
(Dan ENTERS and sees Lucy and The Journalist entangled together.)
Lucy: Dan! (She pushes herself out of The Journalist's embrace.) Thank God you didn't get blown up!
Dan: Am I interrupting something?
Bomb : (Irritated) Yes! Now I have to start all over again! 1,000, 999, 998... (etc.)
Lucy: We've just figured out how to confuse the bomb!
Dan: Talk to it, yeah! Nettie found that out.
(Lucy scoffs)
Lucy: (Sarcastically) Oh, of course she would have!
The Journalist: Earth sexuality seems to be very different from Blerontinian.
Dan: (Barely holding his temper and sizing the other man up, fist clenched.) Is it really?
(The Journalist walks back over to Lucy and puts his arms around her waist while talking to Dan.)
The Journalist: Yes. On Blerontin, males get what we call "jealous." If one male finds another male fondling his girlfriend he can even become extremely violent.
(Lucy disengages herself from the alien and runs over to Dan.)
Lucy: We've got to get off this ship. I suggest The here stays and talks to the bomb while you and I find the Captain.
The Journalist: (Pleading) But you don't understand...
Dan: (Interrupting) I understand only too well. We've got to make the Captain take us back to Earth now.
(Dan turns and EXITS)
Lucy: (Smiles briefly at The Journalist) Look, it was great making love with you. But we have to get back to the real world. Our real world!
(Lucy turns and EXITS)
The Journalist: (Calling after them) But you don't understand! There isn't any Captain on board! You're going to need me!
(The Bomb regards the Journalist)
Bomb: Pardon?
The Journalist: I wasn't talking to you!
Bomb: Oh damn! Recommencing countdown. 1,000, 999, 998...
(The Journalist EXITS as the bomb keeps wandering around the room and counting down.)
CURTAIN – END OF SCENE 9
- END OF ACT II