ACT III
There is no split stage in this act.
Scene 10: Captain's Bridge
The Room has a long window, facing backstage, that looks out into deep space. Underneath the window is a series of consoles that look like video games... Except for the console directly in the center. On it is a radar screen and a set of flight controls. Some chairs are scattered around and there's a bar on the right side, facing outward at an angle.
(Dan and Lucy ENTER and look around, expecting to see people. The bridge, unfortunately is vacant.)
Dan: (Exasperated) Jesus! What do we do now?
(Lucy walks over to the consoles and studies them through her translator glasses.)
Lucy: (Reading) Tetris, Pac-Snork, G-Bert, Starship Titanic, Pole Position, Centipede? (Turns indignant) They're all video games! There aren't any controls at all!
(Dan decides it's time to talk about something else. He turns to Lucy.)
Dan: So?
Lucy: (Shrugs) So... I suppose we'd better find out how to fly this baby and point her Earthwards.
Dan: (Interrogating) So, what was going on between you and that... that thing!?
Lucy: (Defensive) He's not a "thing" he's a perfectly ordinary alien and there was nothing "going on."
Dan: He was kissing your neck.
Lucy: No, he wasn't! What matters is us, you and me!
Dan: You and me and whatever life form you can get off with!
Lucy: Jesus, Dan! You are so unpleasant.
Dan: I'm merely stating the facts.
Lucy: Well, if you really want to know the facts, I never made love to Jurgen Zenzendorf.
(Dan's taken aback and incensed by the deliberate subject change.)
Dan: I wasn't talking about Jurgen Zenzendorf! I never even suspected you of going to bed with Jurgen Zenzendorf! I mean Jurgen Zenzendorf was an asshole!
(Lucy becomes angry at the insult.)
Lucy: He was not! That's so typical of you to denigrate my friends because you're so unbelievably, maniacally jealous!
(Dan backs down.)
Dan: Okay! Okay! I accept what you said about Jurgen! He was a nice guy. I liked him. I liked his moth collection. I liked his mother. Jurgen was great.
Lucy: Or Jimmy Clarke.
(Dan has forgotten what he started talking about and now has decided to get fully into this debate.)
Dan: Ah! Now I know you're lying.
Lucy: (Shocked) How can you say that!?
Dan: Jimmy Clarke told me himself you'd been to bed together.
Lucy: (Angry) He's a lying bastard!
Dan: (Exasperated) Anyway, that was before I knew you! I don't want to talk about any of this!
Lucy: Then why'd you start it!?
(They calm back down. Lucy embraces Dan.)
Lucy: Oh, Dan! Why are you so far away?
Dan: I'm here, Lucy.
Lucy: But I never seem to get through to you. I love you.
Dan: And I love you.
(They kiss. A moment later they part, Dan still seems distant and Lucy is almost imploring.)
Lucy: Oh, Dan! Let's get married.
Dan: Oh, sure. We're on an alien spaceship – God knows how many light years from Earth and you want to organize a wedding.
Lucy: You know what I mean.
Dan: It's no good rushing into these things.
Lucy: Dan, we've been together for thirteen years! We can't ever rush anything now!
Dan: Let's get the hotel up and running and then we can talk about it.
Lucy: You do like the rectory?
Dan: Of course I do. I'm crazy about it.
Lucy: Except that it doesn't exist anymore.
Dan: We'll get it rebuilt – Nigel got a great deal selling off Top Ten Travel. We're rich! We'll rebuild it – better than it was – and make it the best little hotel in the goddamned world.
Lucy: If we ever get back.
Dan: (Nods) If we ever get back.
(They release each other and look around more. Dan steps up to the radar display and looks into it. The console starts beeping, registering a contact on the radar.)
Dan: Lucy.
Lucy: (Immediately becomes defensive) Oh! Don't start again! He wasn't doing anything!
Dan: I wasn't talking about that.
Lucy: Good!
(Lucy starts looking out the big window.)
Dan: You know this game here that seems to be based on the ship itself?
Lucy: Uh-huh?
Dan: Well, it's sort of changing.
Lucy: I know this is stupid, but do you suppose that computer game isn't a computer game?
(Dan looks out the window.)
Dan: You mean, it might be an actual display showing those things that are coming towards us: Those clumsy-looking little space ships? (Checks them against the radar) They seem to be matching up with what this screen is showing.
Lucy: (In terror) Oh my God! We're being attacked!
(The Journalist ENTERS at a run.)
The Journalist: The ship's on automatic! But the central intelligence core is missing some of its parts. We can't control the ship unless we can locate all the missing bits of the system and get them back into place!
Lucy: (Pointing at the radar screen) Too late!
(The Journalist looks at the screen, then out the window, then back at the screen.)
The Journalist: Holy Pangalin!
(A sound like a loudspeaker coming on is heard. A commanding voice rings around the bridge.)
Bolfass: (On P.A.) You are surrounded. Give up at once or we open fire!
(Dan grabs The Journalist and pushes him up against the control panel)
Dan: Quick! How do we give up at once?
The Journalist: I don't have the slightest idea.
Bolfass: (On P.A.) If you refuse to give up, we shall open fire in thirty innims.
Lucy: (Shouting at the ceiling) WE GIVE UP!
Dan: (Screaming at The Journalist) DO SOMETHNG!
The Journalist: I told you! The ship's missing essential bits! I don't know what to do!
(The Journalist starts flipping controls, but nothing changes.)
Bolfass: (On P.A.) Since you refuse to cooperate, you give us no choice but to open fire.
(Lucy rushes toward the window and starts waving her arms as though she's trying to get the fleet's attention.)
Lucy: WE'LL COOPERATE! JUST GIVE US A CHANCE!
(Lights and explosions flash outside the window. An almighty din breaks out and the three bridge occupants hit the deck and cover their heads. A moment later, the attack stops. Silence returns to the bridge.)
Bolfass: (On P.A., trying to sound reasonable and yet intimidating) Look, we don't want to damage the starship, but if you refuse to cooperate, you leave us with no choice! Do you surrender?
Dan, Lucy, and The Journalist: Yes! Yes! We surrender!!
Bolfass: (On P.A.) Very well! You leave us with no choice! We shall hold you responsible for any damage done to the Starship!
(Another attack slams into the great starship. Explosions and lights flicker outside and the noise is deafening. The attack ends a few moments later. Suddenly, the sound of a thousand hammers and other assorted pieces of building equipment is heard. The Journalist, finding this odd, gets up and looks out the window. His expression is grim, but he manages a smirk.)
The Journalist: Yassaccans!
Dan: You said it! Yassaccans, all right! Whatever that means...
(The Journalist looks at Dan oddly for a moment, then shakes his head.)
The Journalist: No, no. Come here and look.
(Dan and Lucy slowly get up and look out the window. They are quite surprised by what they see.)
Dan: What the blazes? What are they doing?
The Journalist: They're repairing the damage. Yassaccans are like that: they hate damaging hardware.
Lucy: (Adjusting her bra) What about software?
(The sound of construction stops.)
The Journalist: We'll need guns.
(The Journalist heads toward the door, but then slowly backs away from the door with his hands raised. Following him into the room is a squad of seven Yassaccan Space Marines: Short, stout men dressed in rugged uniforms that look like a combination between military combat fatigues and workmen's overalls. All of them are sporting Corporal's stripes on their arms. With them is Rodden: an officer wearing something akin to a Navy officer's jacket (gold stripes, a few award ribbons, etc.) The Marines all train their weapons on Dan, Lucy, and The Journalist.
One corporal, Gulholiwol, steps out of place and starts admiring the room's dŽcor.)
Gulholiwol: Well, Mr. Rodden? You've got to admit that finish we put onto the ceiling was quite nice.
Rodden: Yes, Corporal Gulholliwol. You're quite right. (He starts looking around and feeling nostalgic.) Never was there another such construction in the history of our people.
(A few moments later, Captain Bolfass, an older man wearing a more ornate version of Rodden's outfit (more gold stripes on his cuffs, a chest loaded with ribbons, etc.) and also wearing a pair of leather gloves, ENTERS. He looks around sees the main window lacking curtains and becomes very angry.)
Bolfass: What happened to the curtains!? Someone's taken them down!
(A pair of Yassaccans EXIT, then ENTER carrying a set of silk curtains which they begin to install on either end of the long window.)
(A terrible surge of pure rage runs through the Captain. He takes out his pistol, aims it at Lucy, Dan, and The Journalist, and pulls the trigger. It flashes brightly, makes a violent and loud blasting sound (like a futuristic shotgun). Dan hits the deck. Lucy screams, clutches at The Journalist, and falls into a faint. The Journalist stands there, his eyes fixed levelly on Bolfass. Bolfass, now suddenly feeling calm and satisfied, blows imaginary smoke from the end of his gun and re-holsters it.)
The Journalist: (Looks at Dan.) You can get up. It's just a Simulated Destruction gun.
Dan: What?
(Dan stands up. Lucy wakes up and sits up as Bolfass approaches them.)
Lucy: (Surprised and relieved) Oh! Thank God we're still alive!
Bolfass: (Ignoring Lucy , addressing the group) You are under arrest! Where are the others?
The Journalist: There aren't any others.
Bolfass: Come on! I wasn't born in a Blerontinian State Nursery! Who's running this ship?
(Bolfass reaches for his pistol once more, his fury about to boil over again.)
(Before he can take his weapon out again and use it, Nettie ENTERS, now in full command of her faculties. Every Yassaccan stops whatever they were doing and stares in wonder as the lovely blonde strides confidently across the room. Bolfass has just fallen very much in love... Lucy, seeing how the Yassaccans have responded, scoffs in irritation.)
Dan: Nettie!
Bolfass: (As though in a dream) Who do you say?
Nettie: (Brightly) Hi, everybody! Supposing we all introduce ourselves. I'm Nettie.
Bolfass: (Springing to attention as though he was on the parade ground.) Captain Bolfass at your service! And these are my Corporals (starts pointing to individual Marines) Onecrocodil, Cossimiwip, Disney-newt, Roofcleetop, Buckumpster, Inchbewigglet, Buke-Hammadorf, and Golholiwol.
Gulholiwol: (Smiling, quite taken with Nettie as well) Hi, Nettie!
Bolfass: (Pointing at Rodden) And this is Rodden, my navigational engineer.
(Rodden nods and smirks, thinking Nettie to be just another dumb blonde, but says nothing. The Journalist steps forward with a note of urgency.)
The Journalist: Look, I hate to interrupt, but there's a bomb on board this ship which is about to go off in...
(The Journalist takes out his cell phone and makes a call. At that moment, the Bomb is making his way out into the audience asile and counting down.)
Bomb: Twenty... Nineteen... Eighteen... (Etc.)
The Journalist: Toothless Rabbits! It's nearly there!
(Bolfass walks over and snatches the phone from The Journalist.)
Bolfass: Silence, Blerontinian purveyor of shoddy goods!
Lucy: (Very defensively, still upset with everyone's reaction to Nettie) He's not a purveyor of shoddy goods!
The Journalist: Give me that!! (Tries to grab the phone but two Marines grab him and restrain him. Bolfass hands the phone to Golholiwol, who turns it off. The Bomb stops counting.)
Bolfass: (Gestures at the Dan and The Journalist and then points to an out of the way corner.) Lock them up over there.
Lucy: No, the bomb!
Bolfass: (Pointing at Lucy) Take her to the cells.
(The Journalist and Dan are handcuffed together and hustled off to one corner. A Marine stands guard over them. Lucy is forcefully escorted out of the room.)
(Nettie approaches Bolfass.)
Nettie: (In a cool voice) Captain Bolfass, there is no time to explain. Please give me the phone.
Bolfass: (Genially) I'm afraid I cannot allow you to use it, Nettie, for security reasons.
Nettie: Such as?
Bolfass: You might call for reinforcements.
Nettie: Captain Bolfass, you have my word that there is on one else on this ship, as far as I know. You also have my word that there is a bomb about to blow us all to cosmic dust, unless you give me that phone.
(Bolfass hesitates for less than a second, then nods to Golholiwol. Gulholiwol immediately hands the phone to Nettie. Nettie switches on the phone.)
Bomb: Two...
Nettie: (Sweetly) Oh bomb? This is Nettie, remember me?
Bomb: Uh... o-one?
Nettie: How many fours make eight?
Bomb: Er... er... zee...
Nettie: (Cutting the bomb off...) No! How many fours make eight?
Bomb: (Very confused) Er... er... two?
Nettie: And how many twos in six?
Bomb: (More confidently) Three.
Nettie: And how many times does three go into twelve?
Bomb: (Proudly ) Four! (hesitates a moment, then continues) Five... six... seven... (Etc.)
The bomb EXITS the auditorium as it continues counting up. Nettie pockets the cell phone.)
Nettie: (Relieved) Phew! That'll buy a bit of time!
Bolfass: (Interrogating) Why have you put this bomb onto our ship?
Nettie: (Surprised) Your ship?
Bolfass: (Defensively) Why do you sound so surprised? Do you think we're not smart enough to have built such a wonderful thing?
Nettie: Oh no! I didn't mean anything like that! It's just that you attacked the ship. It didn't seem like you owned it.
Bolfass: (Still defensive) Of course we own it, legally and morally! This ship is our rightful recompense for all the misery and hardship that we have suffered at the hands of the Blerontinians!
Nettie: (Confused) Look, I don't want to appear stupid...
Bolfass: (Reassuring) Oh, you could never look that, Nettie.
Nettie: (Charmed, in spite of things) Thank you. But I don't know the background history to all this.
Bolfass: (Giving her a deep bow) And I would be delighted to tell you the whole story, dear lady. (He straightens up) But first it is my unpleasant task to ask you once again: Why have you placed a bomb on this ship?
Nettie: We haven't! (Nettie gives a delightful chuckle and Bolfass reaches for his heart.) We're on this ship by accident. You see...
(Nettie starts gesturing as though she is explaining things to Bolfass. Gulholiwol sees something off stage and EXITS. Meanwhile, the action moves to the three prisoners.)
The Journalist: (Shaking his head in admiration) Lucy is such a good lay! You're a lucky man.
Dan: (Anger mounting inside) Look, I hate to disabuse you, but on Earth our attitude to these sorts of things is not the same as you Blerontinians...
The Journalist: (In complete agreement) You're telling me! When Lucy first suggested we have sex I could hardly believe my ears!
Dan: (Taken aback) She did what!?
The Journalist: (Shrugs) Well, we thought the bomb was going to explode any second and she just kind of...
Dan: (Wanting to make sure he understood) She suggested you make love?
The Journalist: (Nods) That's when I first realized how different sexual attitudes must be on your planet.
(Dan simply can't believe what he's just heard. Meanwhile, Nettie has finished her explanation. All the other Yassaccans have been watching her as though in a trance.)
Nettie: (Shrugs) And, that's it, really.
Bolfass: (Shakes himself, then smiles) I understand perfectly, dear lady. Now, without wishing to sound disrespectful, yours is not a planet with which I am familiar... though, of course, it most be the most delightful world, to be the home of someone as lovely and charming as yourself. (Gives Nettie another bow)
Nettie: (Lowering her eyes) I'm sure you are more than capable of guiding us home.
Bolfass: Ah, my dear lady! It is not I who will guide us, but the ship itself. The exact location of the planet Earth will have been recorded in the Starship's central intelligence core. Although none of us have any idea where it is, all I have to do is tell the computer and it will relocate your world and take us there.
(Bolfass presses a button and nothing happens.)
Bolfass: (Upset) Barthfarthinghasts! Something's wrong! I'm getting no response!
(Gulholiwol ENTERS at a run.)
Gulholiwol: Captain Bolfass, the central intelligence core! Someone's removed the vital functions!
Bolfass: (Becomes angry again) This is the work of the Blerontinian vandal.
(Bolfass approaches Dan and The Journalist.)
Bolfass: (Interrogating The Journalist) What have you done to the Titanic's brain?
The Journalist: (Defiantly) I can only give you my name, rank, and number.
Bolfass: This isn't the Great Escape! Tell me what you know, or I shall let Inchbewigglet do his worst!
The Journalist: (Looking away) My lips are sealed!
Bolfass: (Removing one of his gloves.) Very well, you leave me no choice! (Smacks the Journalist with his leather glove.)
The Journalist: (Cringing) All right! I'll tell you anything you want! Anything!
Bolfass: (Surprised and suspicious) Don't you want to be tortured a little more?
The Journalist: No, I'd rather tell you now.
Bolfass: (Returning to Interrogation Mode) Very well! We know you sabotaged the Titanic's brain to prevent us from returning to Yassacca. Tell us what you've done with the parts!
The Journalist: (To himself, feeling genuinely surprised) Scraliontis didn't tell me about that part of the plot!
Bolfass: What plot? (Musing to himself) It's a shame we aren't fighting this war on the same side... Of course, we're not really fighting a war. (Recovers himself) Explain yourself!
The Journalist: Scraliontis and Brobostigon. They'd decided a long time ago that the whole project would never make any money. So, in order to keep from going bankrupt, they planned to leave the ship only half-built. They must've cut construction costs to the bone, restricting building to maintain a certain level of appearance. Then, on the launch day, they were going to scuttle her and then claim the insurance.
(At first, Bolfass is truly horrified. Then, he becomes more and more vengeful as The Journalist relates the plot. His hand reaches for his gun. Nettie, not wanting to see any more gunplay, puts her hand gently on Bolfass's.)
Nettie: (Soothingly) It's not his fault.
(Bolfass returns to rational thought and drops his hand away from his pistol.)
The Journalist: Anyway, they were on the ship right before the launch. The wouldn't have wanted to attract attention by going in and out of it, so I imagine whatever they took out of the computer they'll have hidden somewhere on board.
Rodden: Sounds feasible. (He turns to the control console and begins making adjustments.)
Bolfass: (Announcing to his crew.) Very well! We will search this ship from prow to keel. Those parts must be found or we'll never get Nettie back to her home planet. Indeed, we will find it hard enough to limp back to Yassacca as it is.
Rodden: (Turns back to the Captain) I think we can make it, Captain. We are in the Starius Zone E-D of the Praxima-Betril Section of the Inner Galaxy. I can get us home by dead reckoning and I have control now of enough functions to be able to steer. Still, it will be a long trip.
CURTAIN – End of Scene 10
Scene 11: Ship's Corridors
This can be done in front of the curtain.
Various Yassaccans are shuffling to and fro, looking around for the parts of the starship's brain.
A few moments later, Rodden ENTERS, looking like a man in charge. A Yassaccan, carrying a bright, hand-sized piece of computer equipment ENTERS and races across the stage to Rodden.
Yassaccan: (Excited) Mister Rodden! I found a part, sir! (Hands the part to Rodden.)
Rodden: Well done, Corporal. Carry on!
Yassaccan: (Gives a salute which Rodden returns) Aye, aye, sir! (Yassaccan EXITS.)
(The above actions repeat five more times (variations are encouraged). Eventually Rodden has his hands full and is trying to keep the parts from falling on the ground.)
Rodden: (To himself, trying to balance the parts) Oh dear... (Calling out) Corporal Gulholiwol!
(Gulholiwol ENTERS, approaches Rodden and salutes him.)
Gulholiwol: Reporting as ordered, sir. (Rodden nods and hands the corporal all the parts. Gulholiwol is having trouble balancing them properly.)
Rodden: Take these parts to Corporal Inchbewigglet so he can re-install them.
Gulholiwol: Right away, sir! (Tries to salute, but Rodden stops him.)
Rodden: (Smiling) We'll take the salute as read this time, Corporal.
Gulholiwol: (Nods) Yes, sir.
(As Gulholiwol EXITS, Captain Bolfass ENTERS. Rodden gives the captain a sharp salute. Bolfass gives a nod.)
Bolfass: What's the situation?
Rodden: Sir, our men have located six of the seven missing parts. Corporal Inchbewigglet should be installing them right now.
Bolfass: (Gives a nod) Very good. Go down to the cells and release the Earth woman. I've decided that they're not under arrest after all.
Rodden: (Shocked) Even that Blerontinian Journalist!?
Bolfass: Yes, lieutenant, even the Journalist. See that my orders are carried out.
Rodden: (Cowed) Aye, aye, sir. (Gives a salute, then EXITS)
(Nettie ENTERS. Bolfass smiles warmly.)
Bolfass: Ah, dear lady. I trust you are having a comfortable journey.
Nettie: Oh yes, quite!
Bolfass: Well, I believe we should be on approach to Yassacca. I would be honored if you would accompany me to the Captain's Bridge so I might introduce you to the wonders of my world.
Nettie: (Charmed) I would love to, Captain. (She takes his arm. Bolfass is in a dreamlike state as they EXIT.)
Scene 12: The Captain's Bridge
The room is unchanged, but the top half of a large blue and green planet can now be seen through the main window.
(Rodden is working the control panel. Bolfass and Nettie are standing off to one side and looking out of the window. Nettie still has Bolfass's arm and is standing very close to him. The good captain is still in his dreamlike state as he points out the features of his world to his guest. Nettie is looking on in wonder.)
(Dan and The Journalist are also looking out the window, but standing well apart from each other.)
(Lucy ENTERS, escorted by Corporal Gulholiwol. She looks out the window and is amazed by the sight of a new world. Dan and The Journalist walk over to Lucy.)
Dan: (Urgently) Lucy! Can we go and talk somewhere private?
Bolfass: (Pointing out an ocean to Nettie) ... There, dear lady, is the Ocean of Summer Plastering.
Lucy: Not now! Look! Isn't that the most amazing sight you've ever seen?
Bolfass: (Points out something else) That is the land known as Fine Pottery.
The Journalist: (Dreamily, to Lucy) It reminds me of your breasts.
(Dan turns toward the Journalist with a murderous look on his face. Instead, of performing a murder, though, he grabs Lucy's arm and takes her off to an isolated corner of the bridge.)
Bolfass: Oh, and over there, dear lady, if you were to turn your eyes, you'll see my own country: Carpenters' Islands.
Dan: (To Lucy, furious but whining) You threw yourself at him! He said you did!
Bolfass: (Feeling pride in his homeland) It is a fine place, peopled by noble craftsmen and technicians of the highest caliber.
Lucy: (Trying to be reasonable) Dan, it was just a weak moment...
Bolfass: (His voice begins to crack) Or... at least... it was before...
Dan: (Really furious and really whiny) Why have you never had any weak moments with me!? In thirteen years I've always been the one who'd have to start...
Lucy: (Defensively) Just what the hell are you talking about, Dan? We have a great sex life, don't we?
Nettie: (Concerned for Bolfass) Before what, Captain Bolfass?
Dan: (Fumbling) Well... yes, Lucy... It's just...
Bolfass: (Saddened) Ah, Nettie, I don't want to burden you with the problems of our world.
Nettie: (Like a loving mother, begins gently stroking Bolfass' hand.) I should like to know. (Bolfass is about to faint out of sheer pleasure.)
Lucy: (Furious at Dan) You are so Goddamn jealous! You think I'm screwing every man who finds me attractive!
Dan: (Feeling himself losing this battle) I never said that!
(Before anyone else can act further, an alert siren sounds throughout the ship. Everyone stops what they are doing and run toward Bolfass and Rodden. The radar is giving a loud and regular ping.)
Bolfass: (Urgently) Rodden! What's that.
Rodden: (Working the controls) Working on it... Blerontinian registry plates, but not regular military.
Gulholiwol: Mercenaries! They mean trouble!
Bolfass: Quick, every man to arms! Turn off simulated destruction feature! We shall shoot real ammunition!
(The Yassaccan Marines unholster their weapons, flip a switch on them and hurriedly EXIT as the loudspeaker comes to life.)
Voice: (On P.A.) This is the official space fleet of the Magna-Corps Insurance Agency of Blerontin. We are acting under license and according to Blerontinian Law on behalf of the law adjusters appointed to liquidate the remaining assets of the Star-Struct Construction Company, Starship Titanic Holdings, Ltd. And Starlight Travel, Inc., as per the insurance para-six, subsection three. On behalf of the above-named insurance company, we hereby repossess this starship as lawful property of the said insurance company. Please leave quietly and in an orderly fashion.
Bolfass: (Furious) Snork Piddlers! Put me on with him, Rodden!
Rodden: (Hits a button) You're on, Captain.
Bolfass: (Picks up a microphone. His voice sounds on the P.A.) We built this ship! We lavished our care and craftsmanship on it without stint and without grudge! We bought the finest materials and ran into debt trying to meet the wonderfully high specifications ordered by Mr. Leovinus! We were never paid a penny! Then, when the construction was taken from us, we, and our families were faced with poverty and hunger! This ship is ours by every moral right in the Galaxy! What's more, we claim it by right of salvage! We found it and we have brought it back to its rightful place! Go suck yourselves!
Rodden: (Watching the radar) Looks like they're still moving in, Captain. Yep, boarding craft are about to lock on.
(A series of loud clangs are heard.)
Bolfass: They're not going to take this ship without a fight! (Gestures to the others) We should get some weapons!
(Bolfass, Rodden, Dan, and Nettie EXIT. The Journalist runs up behind Lucy, takes her hand and leads her away from everyone before she can leave. As soon as they are standing behind the bar and everyone is gone, The Journalist starts kissing Lucy and trying to undo her suit jacket.)
Lucy: What on Earth are you doing, The!?
(The Journalist continues what he's doing...)
Lucy: The! Stop it!
The Journalist: (Pleading) No! No! No! Once we Blerontinian males have been aroused by a female, it takes us many years, sometimes a lifetime, to get dearoused vis-ˆ-vis that particular female!
Lucy: (Confused) What are you saying, The?
The Journalist: Marry me, Lucy!
Lucy: (Overwhelmed by his proposal) Oh, yes! Yes, The! (She starts kissing the Journalist back.)
Parrot: (Offstage) Squawk!
(The Journalist, still kissing Lucy feverishly, has finally opened the woman's jacket and is now trying to pull Lucy down behind the bar.)
The Journalist: We can get engaged and have a white wedding and a wedding cake and Dan can give the best man's speech and we'll have a honeymoon!
Parrot: (Offstage) Squawk!
(Lucy is now starting to undo the Journalist's clothes. She starts to get down behind the bar with the Journalist.)
Lucy: Darling, The! (Realizes that this can't be right, she pulls herself up) What am I doing? What am I saying? I'm getting married to Dan! We're going to run a hotel! (Suddenly looks around, hearing something) What was that squawk?
The Journalist: (Looks over the bar and points.) It was that!
(The Parrot ENTERS, swoops around and then sits on top of the bar. Lucy ducks down to avoid the flapping wings and ends up in The Journalist's arms (behind the bar))
Parrot: Squawk! Bloody Genius!
The Journalist: Oh, Lucy!
Lucy: (To The Journalist) You're crazy!
(The couple are now very obviously engaged in lovemaking... various moanings can be heard from behind the bar. The Parrot is watching with interest. Bolfass, and Rodden ENTER. The Journalist and Lucy stop making noise.)
Bolfass: (Surprised and overjoyed) Never before have Blerontinians retreated from Yassaccan gunfire! They usually fight to our last man! What could possibly make them retreat?
Rodden: (Shrugs) I don't know, Captain. They usually manage to stand up to us shooting over their heads, even when we're using live rounds.
(Panting and exhausted, Dan, Nettie, Gulholiwol, and another Yassaccan ENTER. Gulholiwol looks at the two humans in awe and horror. He walks up to Captain Bolfass and points at Dan and Nettie.)
Gulholiwol: (Alarmed) They shot straight at the enemy! That's why the mercenaries ran off!
Bolfass: (Shocked) What!?
(Nettie is about to turn and speak to the Captain when another sudden, even more horrifying realization hits.)
Nettie: Oh my God! The bomb!!
(She pulls out the cell phone and dials. The Bomb has appeared at the back of the auditorium and is marching forward counting down.)
Bomb: Three... Two... One...
Nettie: (Genially) Hi, Bomb! It's Nettie!
Bomb: (Happily) Hi Nettie... (The bomb stops dead in his tracks, the phone still to his ear. He's mortified that he's lost count again.)
Nettie: Are you all right, Bomb? (A long pause.) Bomb? Are you there, bomb?
(Dan takes the phone from Nettie.)
Dan: Bomb!
Nettie: (Thowing her hands up in irritation) Of course, let the man do it!
Dan: (Ignoring Nettie) Bomb? Are you there? Speak to me!
Bomb: (Softly and sulking) I was speaking to Nettie.
Dan: (Surprised) Oh. (Hands the phone back to Nettie) Sorry...
Nettie: This is Nettie. (A long pause) Bomb? (Another long pause, Nettie becomes anxious.) Bomb! Speak to me!
Bomb: (Quietly) I'm a Mega-Scuttler.
Nettie: Is that your name?
Bomb: Yes. I'm a bomb.
Nettie: I know you are.
Bomb: I like hearing your voice, Nettie.
Nettie: I like hearing yours, Bomb.
Bomb: (In a quivering voice) You're not... just saying that?
Nettie: No, I'm not. For an electronic voice you have a very soft one. It's nice.
(The bomb starts quietly weeping.)
Nettie: Won't you start counting down for me again?
Bomb: (Trying to recover himself) If you'd really like me to...
Nettie: Yes.
Bomb: Very well, I'll count – just for you, Nettie. But this is the last time... the very last time. (The bomb clears its throat) One thousand... 999... 998...
(The Bomb EXITS as Nettie shuts the phone off. For a moment, she stands there trembling, suddenly realizing just how terrified she'd been at that point. Dan puts his hand on her shoulder to steady her. Soon, she calms down and Bolfass steps into the circle.)
Bolfass: (Clears his throat) Now, let's start this again. Is it true you actually aimed at the Blerontinians?
Nettie: (Shrugs) Isn't that what you're meant to do?
Bolfass: (Horrified) No it is not! We have a strict moral code! My dear lady, I'm sure your didn't actually mean to aim at them?
Dan: (Irritated) Well, of course she did! It was the only way to stop them. Anyway, what are we going to do about the bomb?
Gulholiwol: (Excited) They ran off like zippo as soon as the realized Nettie was firing at them.
Bolfass: (Gravely) I shall have to put you both under arrest.
Nettie: (In a charming voice) Captain Bolfass, we are ignorant of your ways on Yassacca and can only defend ourselves as Earth people. On our planet, I'm afraid, people aim to maim and kill each other. I don't like it, but that's what weapons are for. We didn't mean to infringe your code of honor. We just wanted to save you and the Starship from the Loss Adjusters.
Bolfass: (Thinks for a moment, then decides) Very well. We shall have to apologize to the Blerontin government.
Nettie: (Disbelieving) But... but they were trying to kill you!
Bolfass: That's because they have no moral code that prevents them. I shall write the letter of apology as soon as I have a spare moment.
Dan: If we don't do something about the bomb, none of us will be anything but spare moments.
Bolfass: (Nods) Yes. I shall have the bomb defused at once. Corporal Gulholiwol, you're our bomb disposal expert.
Gulholiwol: (Salutes the Captain) Yes, sir! Right away.
Nettie: I'll go with you, Corporal.
Dan: (Surprised) Why?
Nettie: (Shrugs) I... I feel I owe it to it. Anyway, if it goes off it won't matter where on the ship any of us are.
(Nettie and Gulholiwol approach the door, but they stop as the bomb ENTERS, still counting down.)
Bomb: 833, 832, 831... (etc...)
(Gulholiwol takes some tools out of his kit. He turns something on the back of the bomb and it stops walking, but still continues counting.)
Nettie: (To the bomb.) Hi, Bomb! How are you feeling, Bomb?
Gulholiwol: (Puts up a silencing hand to Nettie.) Please don't talk to it while I'm diffusing it. It could be dangerous.
Dan: Have you got enough time?
Gulholiwol: (Shrugs, and starts unscrewing a plate from the back of the device) Depends. If it keeps counting at this speed, I should be okay, but sometimes on the last countdown they can speed up. This is an 8D-96 Full Force Mega-Scuttler. If it were an 8G or even a 9A we'd be fine. They put a servo-control mechanism in to stop that problem. But with the 8D... well, you never know. (Removes the panel and nods in satisfaction) Ah, this seems to be in order.
Dan: (Peering over the Corporal's shoulder.) Does that button there say "defuse the bomb?"
Gulholiwol: (Nods) Yes. Fortunately on the 8D they still included this automatic defuser – just to make it simple for us bomb-disposal experts.
(Gulholowol presses the button. The bomb's arms drop to its sides.)
Bomb: (Like a TV announcer) Congratulations! You have successfully defused the 8D-96 Full Force Mega-Scuttler. The Mega-Scuttler, however, is linked into the intelligence cybersystem of this starship and, unfortunately, that system is currently incomplete. The bomb has therefore gone into default mode. Detonation will occur in six Dormillion days... mark!
Dan: Shit!
Nettie: Shit!
Gulholiwol: (Looks at them, then nods) Shit!
Bolfass: How do we get it out of default mode?
Gulholiwol: Our only hope is to find the missing central core of the ship's intelligence. If we can replace that, I can probably defuse the bomb. Otherwise it'll go off in six Dormillion days.
Nettie: How long is a Dormillion day?
Gulholiwol: Thirty-six Dormillion hours.
(Nettie begins to think)
Dan: And how long's a Dormillion hour?
Gulholiwol: Seventy-eight Dormillion minutes. It's about... well... (shrugs) It's impossible to explain, there's no common point of reference.
Nettie: (Emerging from her reverie) Got it!
(Everyone else looks at her, stunned.)
Nettie: Six Dormillion days is roughly about ten Earth days.
Dan: How'd you manage to figure that out?
Nettie: (Shrugs) I don't know. Ask the script writer.
Dan: God, Nettie! You're so clever! Why didn't I think of that?
Bolfass: The problem is, we've searched the ship thoroughly and we still can't find the missing computer core. (Looks around and sees the Parrot.) A parrot! A parrot will know the answer!
(Bolfass and Dan stride over toward the Parrot who is still standing behind the bar and watching Lucy and the Journalist. Dan looks behind the bar and has a conniption fit.)
Dan: LUCY!!
Bolfass: (Interested in the Parrot) Parrot! Where is the missing intelligence core for the Titanic's brain?
Nettie: (Confused, looks at Gulholiwol) What's he talking to a parrot for?
Gulholiwol: On Yassacca, parrots are the messengers of truth. We have a saying, "From the mouths of babes and parrots."
Bolfass: I asked you a question, Parrot!
Parrot: Squawk! Bloody genius!
Bolfass: (Furious) Answer my question!
Parrot: Squawk!! (The Parrot flies to the other end of the room and EXITS.)
Bolfass: (Frustrated) Damn it! It's bad luck if a parrot won't answer your question!
(Lucy, half-naked, stands up trying hastily to put her suit coat back on. She looks at Dan very nervously. The Journalist staggers to his feet, buttoning his own clothes.)
Lucy: Dan... I... I can explain everything...
Dan: (Beside himself, feeling betrayed) No you can't! You can't explain anything!
(Dan, trying very hard to keep from bursting into tears, turns and EXITS at a run.)
Lucy: (Shrugs, resigned) He's right. He's absolutely right.
Nettie: Perhaps you have your answer, Captain.
Bolfass: Ah, Nettie. It is good of you to trouble yourself with these matters, but I'm afraid the parrot has not given any reply. I am doomed.
Nettie: Didn't you say that this Starship was built by some genius?
(The Journalist suddenly remembers...)
The Journalist: Leovinus! He was here on the ship when we crashed on Earth!
Nettie: Well, maybe he has the missing part?
(The Journalist has another sudden epiphany)
The Journalist: Of course! He was brandishing this glowing silver strip in his hand...
Bolfass: (realizing) The central intelligence core!
The Journalist: That's why it isn't on the ship!
Bolfass: (Thinking) So...
Nettie: So, in order to get the missing central intelligence core, we need to find this Leovinus character. Leovinus is on the Earth, but we can't get there because we don't know where it is and the only way to find out where it is is to get hold of the missing central intelligence core and fit into the Titanic's brain. (She shrugs) Gentlemen, we're screwed.
CURTAIN – End of Scene 12
END OF ACT III