ACT IV
Scene 13: Garden at Gulholiwol's home on Yassaca
This is a well-tended garden with a non-functional fountain in its center. Benches are arranged around it. Another set of benches is off to the front edge of stage right. At stage left is a small table upon which are piled a bunch of coats, hats, purses, and the like.
(A crowd of somewhat depressed Yassaccans including Bolfass and Rodden is clustered around the fountain eating and drinking. They're all trying to seem like they're having fun, but it's not very convincing.)
(Dan, brooding over Lucy, is seated on the lonely bench at stage right facing toward the fountain and slowly eating a piece of snork crackling and sipping a glass of wine.)
(Nettie, now dressed Yassaccan style (wearing a simple shift with an embroidered symbol at one corner), and a depressed Gulholiwol ENTER. Bolfass sees Nettie and simply gazes at her longingly.)
Nettie: (To Gulholiwol) Well, Corporal, this is quite a wonderful celebration you have here! How is it that you ended up being the host for an event like this?
Gulholiwol: (Shrugs) On Yassacca, every family has the opportunity to host an important national celebration and, well, it just happened to be my turn.
Nettie: I see.
Gulholiwol: (Gives a dejected sigh) In the old days, instead of seven snorks, we would've roasted seventy snorks! I would have been able to provide so much fish, we could've filled the Ocean of Summer Plastering! And all the wine would've flowed out of that fountain over there. (Points at the fountain) Ah, these are thin times indeed for Yassacca.
(Bolfass approaches Nettie and Gulholiwol.)
Bolfass: Ah, Nettie. It is a delight to see you again.
Nettie: Why, thank you, Captain Bolfass!
Bolfass: It would seem that your translator is working perfectly as well.
Nettie: (Nettie taps at a small plastic disc behind her ear) Well, so far so good. I know some people on Earth who'd love to know just how you managed to make them.
Bolfass: (Chuckles) Would you allow me to introduce you to some of our important ministers?
Nettie: Certainly, Captain!
(Gestures toward the crowd by the fountain)
Bolfass: Right this way, dear lady.
Gulholiwol: (Points at Nettie's purse) If you'd like, I can take your bag and put it with the others if you're not needing it.
Nettie: Oh, certainly. (Hands her purse to Gulholiwol. The Corporal takes it, gives Nettie a bow, and EXITS)
(Nettie follows Bolfass to the other Yassaccans and starts greeting them.)
(Lucy, still in her power suit, ENTERS, sees Dan sitting by himself and walks over to him.)
Dan: (Sees Lucy) Go away!
Lucy: (Sits by Dan and tries to put her arm around him, but Dan pulls away) Oh, Dan! Let's get married!
Dan: (Disbelieving) Married, Hah! After what I saw that alien doing to you?
Lucy: Don't be... (Stops herself, realizing Dan has every right to be upset. She tries a different tactic) Dan, we love each other, don't we?
Dan: I don't know, do we?
Lucy: Of course we do! We're going to set up the hotel and run it together and have children!
Dan: No we aren't. We can't get back to Earth and even if we could, the hotel's a pile of rubble!
Lucy: But we've got the money from Top Ten Travel!
(Nettie sees Lucy and Dan together and walks toward them.)
Dan: But that doesn't mean we love each other!
Lucy: But we do! We've been together all this time!
Dan: Here comes Nettie.
(Nettie arrives in front of Dan and Lucy.)
Nettie: May I join the funeral?
(Dan nods and Nettie sits on Dan's other side.)
Nettie: So, I suppose this is going to be home from now on.
Lucy: You look as if you've made yourself pretty much at home already.
Nettie: (Laughs) I thought I might as well start getting into the role.
Dan: That is so sensible.
(Lucy scoffs in irritation)
Nettie: Look, I don't want to break you two up, but I've got something I have to tell you... something I think you ought to know.
(Nettie is trying to put her thoughts together and has a little trouble. Finally, she knows where to start.)
Nettie: It's about the rectory... your hotel.
Dan: (Sighs sadly) It's sad to think we'll never be able to run it after all, Nettie.
Nettie: You were never going to be able to run it.
Lucy: (Defensively) What do you mean?
Nettie: (Faltering) I don't know whether I should tell you this now... maybe it's pointless... But, on the other hand, maybe it'll make you feel better...
Lucy: (Stands and crosses her arms expectantly) What?
Nettie: Well... Nigel is a jerk, we all know that.
Dan: (Surprised and indignant) He was my best friend!
Nettie: (Dismissively) Yes, sure, but he was a jerk.
Lucy: You certainly let him treat you like a jerk!
Nettie: (Shrugs) That's my problem, I Ôm crazy. But that doesn't mean I'm stupid. And although Nigel never discussed any of his business with me, I know he didn't sell Top Ten Travel for anything like the amount he told you. That's why you could never get the documentation off him. He actually sold it for peanuts. You'd never have been able to pay off the rectory, let alone set up the hotel.
(There is a pause, then Lucy gives an ironic chuckle)
Lucy: Heh, that doesn't surprised me one bit.
Dan: (Still indignant) Well it sure surprises me! How do you know this, Nettie?
Nettie: (Sighs) Oh, he was so sloppy. He used to leave documents just lying around. I guess he never bothered to talk to me enough to find out that I was bright enough to see what he was up to. I kept trying to tell you, but we never met except with Nigel in tow. It was awful, I could see you heading for disaster.
(Lucy has begun pacing in agitation.)
Lucy: That bastard! If we ever get back to Earth, I'm going to tear his balls off!
Dan: (Becoming even gloomier) Well, that's one threat he doesn't have to worry about.
(A sudden thought strikes Nettie. She places her hand on Dan's arm. Dan looks into her eyes and becomes hypnotized... he's falling in love.)
Nettie: Wait a minute! I've got it! I've got the answer! I knew I would!
(Nettie jumps up and rushes over to the table and starts looking through the pile of clothes on it.)
Dan: (Looks at Lucy) I'm sorry about the hotel. I know how much it meant to you.
Lucy: (Surprised) I was more worried for you. I knew you'd staked everything on it. That's why I went along with it, I never liked that old rectory much. I just couldn't bear for you to be disappointed.
(Dan looks at her for a moment, then stands up and angrily throws his wine glass off stage where it shatters against a tree. Lucy jumps in surprise.)
Dan : Well, I guess we've been fooling ourselves and each other for a long time! I was only so keen because I thought you were!
Lucy: (Shrugs) Maybe that says it all, Dan. Maybe that says it all.
(Lucy, remembering her encounters with the Journalist, fingers a loose button on her jacket as she EXITS. Dan stands there looking after her. While Nettie is searching through the coats on the table, the Yassaccan Prime Minister, a man dressed in exotic finery, approaches her.)
Prime Minister: Ah, Nettie! It is wonderful to see you again!
Nettie: Mister Prime Minister! It's not been too long since we've met, I think.
Prime Minister: Ah, but those minutes were like an eternity to me. Dear lady, will you marry me?
Nettie: (Gives a chuckle) Oh, I'm afraid I can't.
Prime Minister: (Sighs) No matter. (Produces a small bottle of perfume) Still, allow me to present you with a small token.
Nettie: (Regards the bottle) What is it?
Prime Minister: (Sprays her.) It's Yassaccan Scent. Very expensive, very sought-after, certainly made for someone as lovely as you. (He hands her the bottle then reaches over, squeezes her buttock, and grins.)
Prime Minister: (Conspiratorial) Only wear it for us Yassaccans.
(Nettie scoffs at the man's groping as he EXITS. Nettie shrugs and continues looking for her purse. Dan sees Nettie and approaches her.)
Dan: What are you looking for?
Nettie: My handbag. I've got to find it! God, you don't think anyone's stolen it, do you?
Dan: I don't think they have much crime here on Yassacca.
Nettie: There's been all this organized crime since their economy went down the chute.
Dan: But organized crime isn't going to bother to steal your handbag, Nettie.
Nettie: (Turns and looks Dan in the eye.) I've got to find it!
(There is a pause and Dan suddenly has trouble standing up. He falls to his knees as he takes in her intoxicating new perfume.)
Dan: Great grief! That scent you're wearing!
Nettie: The prime groper of Yassacca just gave it to me... in more ways than one!
(Nettie turns back to look for her purse while Dan, under the spell of the perfume, he's falling quite madly in love with Nettie and can barely control himself. He feels as though the perfume is trying to strangle the truth out of him.)
Dan: God! Nettie...!
Nettie: (Not really paying attention) What?
Dan: Nettie... I... I think... I.... I'm crazy about you!
(Dan is on his feet in a flash. He puts his arms around Nettie's waist and starts kissing the back of her neck. Nettie, very surprised, spins around and pushes Dan away.)
Nettie: Stop that! (Dan backs away as Nettie continues) You're getting married to Lucy! You're going to start a hotel! You're going to have kids and all that sort of thing!
Dan: (Pleading) Everything's changed! We can't go back to Earth. It's all different here!
(Dan tries to embrace Nettie again but she backs away.)
Nettie: (Scolding) Now hold on, Romeo! I'm not an emotional doormat for your convenience! Besides, you're going back to Earth... We're all going back to Earth – I hope – just as soon as I find my handbag!
Dan: (Believing her... worshipping her, in fact!) What have you got in your handbag? A Concorde ticket home? A pocket rocket?
Nettie: Let's just find it, shall we?
(They both start searching through the pile of clothes. At this moment Corporal Gulholiwol ENTERS, sees Dan and Nettie looking for something, and holds up Nettie's purse.)
Gulholiwol: I'm sorry, were you looking for this?
(Nettie grabs the purse, opens it, and starts looking through it desperately.)
Dan: Nettie's got something in it that will help us get back to Earth.
Gulholiwol: (Holds up a small package of photos) Would it be these?
(Nettie looks up at Gulholiwol in shock, snatches the photos, looks through them, and becomes very angry.)
Nettie: What the blazes do you mean by taking things out of my handbag!?
(Gulholiwol is now in shock, not knowing he did anything wrong.)
Gulholiwol: Oh dear! Have I done something contrary to your Earth customs? On Yassacca it is traditional for the host to go through is guests' handbags and do little mending jobs on the contents...
Nettie: Well, it's not an Earth custom! (She starts to recover) But... thanks for developing the film for me. That's exactly what I was looking for.
Gulholiwol: (Fully recovered and cheerful again) It was my pleasure. Most of the photos seem to have come out okay. I also re-electroplated your nail scissors, restored several missing teeth to your comb, and re-silvered your little mirror.
Nettie: (Now very gracious) Why, thank you so much, Corporal! (She thumbs through the pictures, then comes to the pictures of the rectory and shows them to Dan.) Here, look, Dan! It's the rectory! Those long exposures I took: They came out!
(Nettie races back to the fountain where Rodden and the other Yassaccan officers are standing.)
Dan: (Unenthusiastically) Oh, good. It'll be nice to have a souvenir.
Nettie: Rodden! Officer Rodden! I've got it! You can get us back to Earth! (She hands Rodden the pictures.) Well, look at them! What do you see?
Rodden: (Reluctantly looks at the pictures) It's a house... on Earth, I assume... A former rectory, by the look of it... with planning permission for commercial use.
Nettie: That's amazing! How do you know all that?
Rodden: (Looks up at her smugly and taps next to his eyes) Translator contact lenses. I just read the estate agent's board.
Nettie: Oh, right... anyway, it's the place Dan and Lucy were going to buy before your starship smashed into it.
Rodden: So? How do you suppose these will help you? (Studies the pictures with greater interest.)
Nettie: I took them at night! Look at the sky! You can see the stars!
Rodden: (Regarding the photo and smiling broadly) My dear young woman, you must forgive me for underestimating your...
Nettie: (Cutting him off) Easy-over on the flattery. I don't mind what you thought. The main thing is can you get any coordinates on those star patterns that will show where Earth is? Are there enough stars in the shot?
Rodden: Theoretically, it should be a simple question of three-dimensional geometry. There's only one place in the Galaxy in which the stars appear in that exact configuration. Since the Starship's computer is ninety-five percent functional, we should be able to scan in your photograph and then tell the ship to set course for the place where the stars match those in the picture.
(Bolfass approaches the group.)
Dan: (Sees Bolfass) Then, Captain, maybe we should get going! The starship's still programmed to explode in... what?
Nettie: (Checks her watch) About eight Earth days.
Bolfass: Then that settles it! (Calls out) All hands, return to the Starship! Prepare her for immediate takeoff!
(All the Yassaccans EXIT.)
Nettie: Dan, you go with Bolfass. I'll find Lucy.
Dan: Right.
(Dan EXITS as Lucy ENTERS, now dressed in a Yassaccan shift. Nettie sees her and rushes over.)
Nettie: Lucy, they've got the coordinates for the Earth! We're going home, but we've got to hurry! (Studies Lucy for a moment) By the way, you look great in that!
Lucy: (Not looking at Nettie) Thanks, but... I'm going to stay here.
Nettie: (Shocked) What on Earth are you talking about? We can go home!
Lucy: I don't know where my home is anymore... L.A.? London? Oxfordshire? I used to think it was anywhere Dan was, but now...
Nettie: What's the matter between you and Dan?
Lucy: (Turns and looks at Nettie) Neither of us wanted the rectory.
Nettie: (Shocked again) What!?
Lucy: (Shrugs) It's as simple as that. We must have been fooling each other for years about all sorts of things... You know, I was originally in love with Nigel.
Nettie: Till you realized what a jerk he was?
Lucy: No, it was more like... how can I describe it? Nigel was English, different, exciting. He made me feel all goose-pimples inside. It was unsettling. Whereas Dan I could understand. Dan was familiar territory where I knew where I was.
Nettie: But Dan's gorgeous! He's so exciting! So different from the rest of them... from creeps like Nigel! (Lucy gives Nettie a surprised look and Nettie backtracks immediately) I'm sorry. I shouldn't talk about Dan like that. I didn't mean anything... anyway, we've got to hurry!
Lucy: Hurry away, run off... I've always done that, Nettie. I've wrapped my emotions up in a nice smart pin-striped suit and then walked away from them. Well, I'm not doing it any longer.
Nettie: (Pleading) But Dan needs you, Lucy! You're a great team!
Lucy: That's what we kept telling each other. We told each other over and over again until we believed it. But all I know is that I'm a different woman from the woman I've been pretending to be.
The Journalist: (From off stage) Lucy!
(The Journalist runs on stage and stops before the two women.)
The Journalist: The Starship's about to take off for Earth! We've only got a few minutes to make it!
Lucy: We?
The Journalist: Of course! You didn't think I'd let you go back on your own... Not now you've said you'll marry me!
(Lucy throws herself into the Journalist's arms and kisses him)
Lucy: But, The, I'll stay with you here if you want me to!
The Journalist: (Shakes his head) Uh-uh! I've got to see this thing through to the end!
(All three turn and EXIT.)
(CURTAIN – END OF SCENE 13)
Scene 14: Oxfordshire Police Station
This Scene can be done in front of the curtain
Leovinus, in handcuffs, is being ushered forward across the stage by two uniformed constables. At the other end of the stage is a police sergeant (Sergeant Stroud) holding a clipboard. Leovinus, still with only one eyebrow dangling precariously, is shouting all kinds of babble (his own language.)
Constable Hackett: I think he just might be, Sarge...
Stroud: What? Gay... because of his eyebrows?
Hackett: No, no, Sarge... Lebonese! Listen to him!
Leovinus: (In English) For God's sake, I demand to see a lawyer!!!
(The constables, not understanding a word, shake their heads in pity.)
Stroud: Constable Hackett, do we know of anyone who speaks Lebonese?
Hackett: Well... It's kind of Arabic... innit?
Stroud: Yes, must be plenty of them at the University. Constable, lock him up and then get me in touch with the University Foreign Language Office.
Hackett: Right away, Sarge. (To Leovinus) All right, gramps, let's get move on like a good gentleman.
(Leovinus struggles, but is marched toward and past Stroud.)
Stroud: (Makes a mark on his clipboard.) I hereby charge you with being an illegal immigrant.
Hackett: (Smiling) Oh, that'll score us a few points with the home office, won't it, Sarge?
Stroud: (Nods, grinning) Indubitably, Constable Hackett. (To Leovinus) I have to warn you, sir, that anything you say may be used against you and that you will be held in a place of custody until such time as Her Majesty's Government is able to repatriate you to your own country.
Hackett: (Muttering to himself) Assuming we can find out where that is.
(The group EXITS)
(END OF SCENE 14)
Scene 15 (Split Set: Nigel's Apartment and Oxfordshire Jail)
(ACTION AT THE JAIL)
(Leovinus is sitting on a bench in a small jail cell with bars on the door. His expression is grim and sulking. Sergeant Stroud is sitting at a desk nearby, filling out papers.)
( ACTION AT NIGEL'S APARTMENT)
(Nigel and a young woman (Nancy) are sitting on a couch, engaged in passionate kissing. A loud crash is heard from offstage. The two lovers part and Nigel calls out, looking in the direction of the crash.)
Nigel: Who's that!?
Leovinus: (Sulking) What's become of me?
Nettie: (Offstage) It's me! I didn't think you'd even be awake this early, it's only 8:30!
(Nettie ENTERS and Nigel is beside himself with shock.)
Nigel: Shit! Nettie! I thought you'd been abducted by aliens!
Leovinus: (Sulking) What have I been doing with my life?
Nettie: (Down to business) This is important, Nigel.
Nigel: (Thinks he's in big trouble) I can explain all this... (Points at Nancy) This is Nancy, she's only 19 and her mother died recently and I've been looking after...
Nettie: (Cuts Nigel off) Think back, Nigel. After the spaceship took off, did you see anyone?
Leovinus: (Sulking) I told that Journalist I'm an artist... like that makes me more special than anyone else in the world...
Nigel: What, you mean like going to a psychiatrist?
Nettie: No! No! It figures you'd only be thinking of yourself!
Leovinus: (Contracting himself into a fetal ball) All I ever did was think about myself!
Nettie: Did you see an old man with a white beard hanging around the wreckage?
Leovinus: What about that lovely Cub Reporter? Am I really so superior to her?
Nancy: (Meekly) I think I'd better go...
Nigel: (To Nancy) No, no, hang on!
Leovinus: (Starting to weep) No... No... She's really superior to me!
Nigel: (Looks back at Nettie) Did I see what?
Leovinus: What have I ever done for anyone else? Have I loved anyone? Have I even owned a pet snorkling?
Nettie: (Throws her hands up in exasperation, stalks around the room) God! Here is a whole world, a whole civilization so much more advanced than anything we've ever seen, all depending on me getting a sensible answer out of some creep that I'd once been in love with! What a hope in Hell! I might as well try to teach Turkish to the cat!
Leovinus: And my ship! My beautiful starship! I only cared about my starship... I let an entire world fall into poverty! It's all my fault! (Takes the missing piece of the ship's computer and throws it into the toilet. He then starts sobbing uncontrollably and rocking on his bench.)
Nigel: (Remembers) Wait! An old man with a white beard? Yes, I ran into him on the way to my car. I took him to the Oxford Police Station.
Leovinus: The first Blerontinian who walks into this room shall be more worthy of freedom and happiness than I. (Relapses into his crying fit.)
(Nettie is still walking around, feeling hopeless... then Nigel's answer registers. She perks up instantly, gives Nigel a big kiss on the lips. She turns to leave, pauses, then runs over and gives Nancy a big kiss as well. Then she turns and races offstage.)
Nettie: The! The! The!
(Nettie EXITS.)
Nancy: (Nervously) I think I'd better go...
(A pause. Leovinus is still crying on his bench in the cell when Nettie, and The Journalist ENTER the jail.)
Stroud: Can I help you two?
The Journalist: (Looks in the jail) It's him! (To Stroud.) We've been looking for our... father... That's him there. Can you let us in to speak to him?
Stroud: (Throws his clipboard down in a huff) So, he's not an illegal immigrant after all, then?
Nettie: No, no. He's just a little confused. We've been caring for him and he ran off. I guess we forgot to keep the door to our flat closed.
Stroud: (Picks up his keys) Well, in the future, I expect you'll be more careful. We were about to send him off to Chad or maybe even Zimbabwe! Couldn't understand a word he says.
The Journalist: Yes, he's like that. Speaks goboldygook most of the time.
Stroud: I see. (Unlocks the cell. Speaks to Leovinus) Visitors for you, Chang.
(Stroud returns to his desk as The Journalist enters the cell. Nettie sprays herself with the Yassaccan Scent again and then enters the cell. At the sight of the Journalist, Leovinus falls to his knees and spreads his hands.)
Leovinus: My dear friend! You are more worthy of freedom and happiness than I!
(The Journalist and Nettie stop, look at each other in confusion, then regard the old man.)
Nettie: There's not a moment to lose! We've only got two hours left!
The Journalist: (To Leovinus) Have you got it?
Leovinus: (Staring at Nettie) I don't know... I am no longer sure what I have got and what I have not. When I look back on my life, I almost feel I have thrown it all away and I have been left with nothing. Dear lady, will you marry me?
(Nettie looks at The Journalist in some confusion.)
The Journalist: (Dismissively) Right, it's poor manners not to propose to a woman in the Yassaccan shift. (To Leovinus) Have you got the central intelligence core? The Titanic's brain!
Leovinus: (Still staring at Nettie) Ah! Alas! I threw it away! I have no use for it now!
Nettie: (Desperate) YOU CAN'T HAVE THROWN IT AWAY!
The Journalist: THINK! Where did you throw it?
Leovinus: (Still staring at Nettie and feeling the effects of her perfume) What does it matter? My dear lady! My life! How I have longed to meet someone as beautiful and intelligent as you!
(Nervously, Nettie sprays herself with more perfume. The Journalist is now beginning to feel the intoxicating effects. He grabs Leovinus by the lapels of his coat and pulls him up.)
The Journalist: WHERE IS THE TITANIC'S BRAIN!?
Leovinus: (Defiant and drunk): Ha! Mr. Journalisto! See one oh de crank? Pon flee up and trick?
The Journalist: (Persistent, but getting drunk) Salk tense, man! S'vital we know where youze threw th'central telligence core- hic! Oh no! (To Nettie) Youze have thu Yass'in Scen'! Youze gotter grout o' here – hic!
Nettie: (Indignant) Not on your life! You think you can handle this just because you're a man?
The Journalist: (Completely intoxicated) No, no, I'm not a man... I'm a Blerontinian! (The Journalist and Leovinus start giggling and holding onto each other for support. Nettie tries to pull them apart.)
Nettie: Stop it!
(Nettie starts shaking them. This only wafts up more perfume and the two men laugh even harder, oblivious to Nettie. The Journalist starts singing and then collapses on the bench. Leovinus sits himself down on the floor, his head spinning. Nettie, furious, storms out of the cell, and starts talking to Sergeant Stroud. A few moments later, The Journalist regains his senses. Leovinus is still dazed, but slowly coming out of it. The Journalist gets up and shakes the old man.)
The Journalist: THINK! Even if you've never done anything decent in the whole of your wretched life, do it now! Remember where you threw the missing bit of the Titanic's brain?
Leovinus: The central intelligence core... the Titanic's cerebral artery... Where did I throw it?
The Journalist: Yes, dammit, man! Where did you throw it?
Leovinus: Oh, I know, into that toilet.
(The Journalist pounces on the bowl, puts his hand in and pulls out the piece of the ship's brain.)
The Journalist: Whew! Lucky you didn't have time to use the toilet!
(Nettie returns, sees The Journalist holding the piece of circuitry, runs in and kisses him! Then Lucy and Dan ENTER and a massive celebration mixed in with a free-for-all of kissing ensues. Nettie kisses Dan, then Leovinus, then the Journalist. Then, Lucy and The Journalist start kissing quite passionately and then ignore everyone else. Dan, seeing Nettie moving away from him, slowly disengages himself from the party looking glum. A few moments later all the Yassaccans ENTER and join in the festivities, cheering and holding the missing piece of circuitry aloft like a trophy. A few moments later, Nettie finally sees Dan and joins him away from the party. They look at each other. Then, not getting his hopes up, Dan looks away, but Nettie smiles.)
Nettie: (Looking flirtatious) Dan? Will you kiss me again?
(Dan takes Nettie in his arms and they kiss.)
(A moment later, the party stops. Sergeant Stroud stands in front of the kissing couple.)
Stroud: And that, really is the end of the story.
(Stroud ENTERS in a hurry and steps up to Stroud.)
Hackett: (Desperately) But we can't just leave it at that, Sarge! Can we?
(Dan and Nettie part. Dan, smiles at the policemen.)
Dan: No, we really shouldn't.
(Stroud and Hackett EXIT)
Nettie: I think we should first settle the issue of the bomb.
(The Bomb ENTERS, still waving its arms around. Gulholiwol walks behind it and presses a button.)
Bomb: (Proudly) Congratulations! You have successfully defused the Mega-Scuttler Corporation's 8D-96 Full Force Mega-Scuttler! The Mega-Scuttler warhead has been deactivated and will not detonate any more. (Relieved, speaks to the audience.) Whew! I never really wanted to explode anyway. (Gives a little bow, then EXITS)
Rodden: (Steps out to Center Stage) The Yassaccans gave Dan., Lucy, Nettie, and The Journalist shares in the Starship as a reward for their part in saving it.
Bolfass: We also offered to let Lucy and Dan run it as a hotel.
Dan: But I'm one who'd rather stay on Earth, thank you very much.
Nettie: So, Lucy and The Journalist became the proprietors of the Starship Titanic Hotel, Inc.
Golholiwol: (Excited) The most hugely successful luxury hotel operation in the entire Galaxy!
Bolfass: (Nodding) Yes, indeed. It put the Yassaccan economy back on its feet within the first year of operation and we were able to return to our prosperous way of life and craftsmanship.
Golholiwol: (Still excited) Oh! You should tell them about the statue, sir!
Bolfass: (Smiles at the Corporal) Actually, Sergeant Golholiwol, why don't you tell them about the statue?
Golholiwol: Oh boy! (Turns to the audience) Ahem! Well, you see, to commemorate the Starship, we decided to build a full-scale statue – in superb detail, inside and out – in the main square of our capital city!
The Journalist: And, Lucy and I did get married. (Puts his arm around Lucy who reciprocates) We had a Blerontinian White Wedding.
Dan: And I did give the best man's speech. And they also had a wedding on Earth.
Lucy: The family took it well... the idea that I was marrying an alien, and I try to come home and visit as often as I can.
The Journalist: And my story about the Starship became the Scoop of the Century.
Lucy: He got so much money from it that he actually managed to get a Galactic Gold Credit card!
Nettie: More importantly, he was able to retire from the news industry.
The Journalist: (To Lucy, tenderly) Which means, love, that I can tell you my real name now!
Lucy: Well, let's hear it, then!
The Journalist: (Hesitates for a moment...) It's... T... T... Tiddelpuss.
Lucy: (Smiles at him) Well, I'll just call you Tiddels then. But you never did tell me what Lucy means in your language.
(The Journalist bursts into a fit of laughter.)
The Journalist: (Laughing) And I never will! (Lucy scoffs a moment, then returns to her blissful state.)
Dan: Old Leovinus over here... (Slaps the old man's shoulder) managed to get over his passion for Nettie.
Leovinus: Part of that had to do with that very potent perfume of hers. (Places his hand on his heart, remembering.) But I had other things to attend to. Nettie, being so wonderfully bright, got a degree in higher mathematics and became my assistant... and I feel so lucky to have someone as brilliant as her on my staff!
Nettie: You can see that Mr. Leovinus has managed to become a bit humbler these days.
Leovinus: Other people are still more worthy of freedom and happiness than I... Though I was very grateful that my eyebrows did eventually grow back.
Lucy: As for the good Captain Bolfass... (Shrugs) Well, he didn't manage to get over his passion for Nettie.
Bolfass: (In a romantic reverie) Ah, but the thought of her always kept me going through the dark watches of space and added a golden glow of tragic devotion to my declining years, despite the fact that we Yassaccans know being in love to be a terrible mental illness. My wife did sympathize, bringing me many herbal remedies to try and cure the problem. Alas, none of them seemed to work.
Golholiwol: Actually, it wasn't just Captain Bolfass who felt this way about Nettie.
(All the Yassaccans group in a semicircle around the blonde woman, gazing adoringly at her...even Rodden.)
Rodden: In fact, a good many Yassaccans seemed to suffer from the same affliction as our good Captain.
(Bolfass steps up beside Nettie, takes her hand, and looks into her eyes.)
Bolfass: You see, we Yassaccans can recognize a hugely intelligent, kind, wise, caring, serene, and warm being when we meet one for real.
(Bolfass kisses her hand, then strides toward offstage. The other Yassaccans form a line and follow Bolfass, kissing Nettie's hand as the pass by her and EXIT.)
(Nettie recovers from being charmed by the Yassaccans as Dan steps up and puts his arm around her. She turns to the audience.)
Nettie: And Dan simply couldn't believe it when I proposed to him.
Dan: Sometimes, I still have trouble believing it! But not only did we become lovers, but also best friends. Dear Nettie made so much money working with Mr. Leovinus that she and I were able to get the old rectory rebuilt!
Nettie: We turned it into a relaxed family hotel specializing in Central Galactic cuisine. In the entrance hall, Yassaccan parents would point out a little photograph I took.
Dan: The photograph that saved their world!
Nettie: (Nodding) Yes. We framed it and put it in the entrance hall.
Leovinus: (Announcing) Dan and Nettie's Hotel Beneath the Stars!
(Leovinus EXITS. Dan and Nettie kiss as the Parrot ENTERS screeching like a maniac)
Parrot: Squawk! Squawk! Remember the Parrot! Remember the Parrot! What about the Parrot!!? What about the Parrot!!?
(Dan and Nettie part and nod to each other. Dan walks up to the Parrot and gently strokes its feathers.)
Dan: Yes, the Parrot. We can't forget about the Parrot.
The Journalist: Actually, the Parrot probably came out best of all... in Parrot terms, at least!
Lucy: Believe it or not, the Parrot was acting as an undercover agent for the Yassaccans all along!
Nettie: It had been smuggled on board the Starship just before the construction was moved from Yassacca to Blerontin.
Dan: And she performed heroically, risking life and feather to get reports of the scandalously shoddy construction of the Starship back to Yassacca.
The Journalist: In fact, the Parrot had been the source of all the rumors I'd been chasing after!
Lucy: And when she returned home, she was given a special medal of honor, for the first parrot ever to be decorated in the line of duty. She also got a special golden perch and a lifetime supply of millet seed and pistachio.
Nettie: She mated shortly afterward and became the proud mother of four baby birds whom it named...
Dan: (Steps forward) Dan...
Nettie: (Steps forward) Nettie...
Lucy: (Steps forward) Lucy...
The Journalist: (Steps forward) and The...
All except the Parrot: The End!
(CURTAIN – END OF SCENE 15)
END OF PLAY